Woody & My IBF

A bit foggy, but after two cans of Coke, I woke up very well.  In fact, I woke up early.  I used to wake up early every day.  5:30.  But of course I also went to sleep at 9:30 and missed all the fun.

I bet you don't have Mummers.  I think you might not even know what Mummers are. In Philly, they've been doing this kind of stuff since the 1700's.  Remember that firearms were just part of life then.  On New Year's Day, people made a general ruckus with music and gunshot. By the 1870's things got sorta organized.  Of course we have better feathers and TV now.

Mummers are grown white men in huge, expensive sequined costumes.  The Golden Slippers group (and most of the rest) spray paint their sneakers gold.  The captains' getups are about $10,000 apiece.  The men (no women, or maybe some these days, but I can't remember any so they can't be that good) work all year so they can do the Mummer's Strut down Broad Street for a few hours.

There are several divisions. Wenches (I don't know why they don't just call it drag).  String Bands (no brass, but lots of banjos and saxophones). Fralinger is usually really good but they just noted that the Polish American String Band is a crowd favorite.  Fancies and Fancy Brigades.  Not sure of the difference but they all dance in intricate patterns.  The brigades must have more people. There are also Comics which are supposed to parody current events.

This is one instance that I just can't write about without illustration. This year there seems to be a preponderance of hot pink and neon green.

See the umbrellas?  Sort of New Orleans meets Ringling Brothers. They just described the members of one of the group as waistline challenged.


If you don't catch it this morning, you can see the Show of Shows in Atlantic City on February 26th.  By that time, they will have chosen next year's theme and ordered more beads and spangles. They take this very seriously.  The strut is taught in nursery school.

Here are some more group names:  The Jokers, The Vikings, Murray Comic Club, Ferco, Nerd-i (a nouveau arty group with diversity, we arch our eyebrows), Mongoose, Merry Makers ("such a great family thing"), Vaudeville, Holy Rollers, Fitzwater, Venetians (the pride of Chestnut Hill), and they're all in some kind of arcane South Philly inbreeding.

Oooh! Here are the Eagles cheerleaders in GTOs and one Shelby (thanks to the Quality Ford store).  We also take our football very seriously.

Check out this guy in the blue sequined overalls.  Looks like he's going to push the plunger on the TNT.  There goes the mine!  This is happening to the theme from Bonanza.  He has the golden nugget.  What's this?  The golden slippers are inside!

The Nerd-i's hazard disaster sucks.  The announcer says it is very unusual and different.  No sequins.  Budget whatever the Parks and Recreation can toss in.

Next group.  Wow, the commentator says, "a mummer from a different mother."

Jesters have 160 men on the street in green leprechaun dresses doing the hand jive.  "Very well choreographed, cute." "They're doing the bugaloo!"

Stewie balloon!  This is about the Marcellus Shale.  Huh? "Environmental mummery." I swear they're doing the Village People lasso move.  The fractur is dancing.

Day of the Dead theme.  Uh, wrong month? "A first, golden UGGs." You just have to hear these guys doing the color commentary.

Taking a break for grapefruit juice. This is hard work.

Oh, man! One of this last group doesn't have his golden slippers on.

Another group with fracturs, this time to Earth, Wind & Fire, and Boogie Wonderland. I can't make this stuff up.  300 CDs on a chicken wire globe: Disk-O.

Philly's Got Talent on a float.  All Xs.  And a gong from "the old Gong Show." Judges Rocky Balboa, Benjamin Franklin, Sally Starr (you have to have grown up here to know her). The worst choreography ever. Santa. The Phillies.  "What a great season it's going to be.  That was great."

Devil With The Blue Dress On playing.  Dude is only guy in blue in a see of guys with red dresses on.  Oh, they have beards painted on.  Bearded Lady?

"Look at the penguins coming up on the left." These guys in dresses have gone with a tasteful powder blue and light pink ruffles. With white face.

Turkey Hill iced tea.  "Boy, this is just the best." The bottles lean piggledy wiggledy on the desk.

"These people are Philly's ambassadors."  Well, that explains it.  Swoop, the Eagles mascot, is in the stands.  "The only thing that interrupts these rehearsals is the Eagles game."

Lady Goo Goo.  Paparazzi with giant cameras and black dresses.  I thought it was a giant hot dog, but it appears to be a red pacifier.

Old Operation game.  "Mummerectomy." "Those pants falling down are all the rage now." The guy's pants really are falling down. "Entrails or whatever they are."

Two Street Strutters.  Super Fit Club to music: Celebrate.  Fat guy as Wonder Woman.  Also Richard Simmons with headset.

No kidding:  Bed bug theme.  "Dedicated to Regina White, Bob White's mother." Fat guy in maid's mini.

It's Raining Men.  Fat guys with "Sexy" "Cute" "Hot" on their bottoms.  And this is all heterosexual? Methinks they're on the down low.

Grinch? Another wrong month.  With Elvis?

Fat guy as Lady Gaga.  Again.  One in meat dress.  Obvious music. And 150 guys as poker chips?  Consistency gentlemen, consistency.

"Where is the Turkey Hill iced tea?" "What are the hot new flavors, er, cool new flavors?" "Travis, can you find us a lite raspberry?"

Oompa Loompas.  "They're now out of Uncle Tommy's Pizzeria."

My head is spinning.  I may tune in again later, but there is a real possibility of screaming night terrors.