9:40 PM |
By now we all know "I'm wreal famous" Eden Wood. But here comes MaKenzie in the Toddlers And Tiaras smackdown. This is MaKenzie. We will dispense with all the discussions on pedophile paradise, ugly mamas, the cost of dresses and my insane infatuation with T&T (just like my hairdresser in Natchez, Mississippi). Let's just enjoy the show.
This is MaKenzie without makeup. There do not appear to be any pictures of Eden without makeup. Does her mom do it in the dead of night or is it tattooed on? Didja ever meet one of those women whose husbands have never ever seen them without makeup? What happens to the pillowcases? I knew one that wore makeup while canoeing. She put it on in the outhouse. True.
This is MaKenzie's Ni-Ni. She still sucks on it. I think she's like 23 now. Have you heard about those mothers who breast feed until their sons (usually) are about eight? There really are some of those. It has been said that a child that can ask for it shouldn't be sucking on it. I agree. Same with Ni-Ni. My kid never used a pacifier. Never had a bottle either. Went straight from boob to sippy cup at the appropriate 1 year mark. He weaned himself. I put cabbage leaves in my bra. Read somewhere that cabbage leaves help with the swelling while you get used to not having the kid latched on. Didn't work and it smelled awful. I bet Mackenzie's mom didn't use cabbage leaves. Probably a powder puff. Those pageant moms aren't stupid. Ugly yes, stupid no.Mickie Wood says Eden is way more than a pageant superstar. Eden is signing her book, From Cradle To Crown. Just made her first music video and will tour "just like Tiffany". Meanwhile, MaKenzie's new flipper (i.e., fake teeth) has come. Her bite is "difficult" says her dentist, "like she has sucked her pacifier for too many years." Uh, yeah. Told ya so. But wait! MaKenzie has given up her Ni-Ni.! "Ni-Ni was a hard working lady but now she's retired," she said. MaKenzie doesn't want her flipper even though she said she did because she didn't know she would "look like a bun-un-ny."
Eden and Mickey Wood slam into the strip mall concrete bumper in their Corvette. They are there for a cucumber facial. Mickey waits this one out. "It's all about you, sister."
Eden and MaKenzie have competed before. Eden won. She was Ultimate Grand Supreme. There are a lot of superlatives in this business.
MaKenzie has a manager now and will go to Hollywood. Mom doesn't know what to think of this. MaKenzie and Eden are going to be on Entertainment Tonight together. Eden will be performing original songs on Hollywood Boulevard, "one of which mom wrote," according to mom. They will make the most of the trip and "who knows? Maybe the next trip will be to buy a house." "OMG! Eden's in Hollywood!"Mickey Wood speaks with a lot of italics and bold. "She really is going to be someone."Mickey and Eden will "bump Charlie Sheen off of the airwaves." Meanwhile, MaKenzie's agent is having her see an acting coach. Note that all of these activities are being done in full pageant getup. Looks kinda weird to me. Especially with the worn athletic jacket over the pink sparkles and feathers. Acting coach assessing ability. She is incredible, phenomenal. Mom is nervous because they never pushed for this. MaKenzie "doesn't know how to act, I just know how to be MaKenzie." Eden's career will be "whatever Eden wants to and mama's going to be right here pushin' her." She puts in a little dig at MaKenzie by saying that Eden is already established. Now MaKenzie wants to know if they can do the "fun stuff." Eden has "worked her booty off and we are going after that Grand Su-Preme title." We.
It's time for the big one. "Are the judges going after personality and baby doll or polished professional?" Winner is getting a princess canopy bed and $1000. MacKenzie is a "pop phenomenon." MaKenzie throws temper tantrums. Eden throws temper tantrums. Mickey wants Eden to "look like a piece of cotton candy that they can just take a bite of." It is very hard to stick to my promises to not talk about pervs. Red Bulls abound. When Eden talks about how she hates hairspray, her facial expressions look frighteningly like her mother. Eden is shameless in saying she has a secret weapon for MacKenzie-- a pacifier with two big buck teeth. I'm guessing this wasn't originally Eden's idea. MaKenzie says "I can wear this for church," when she has her backless pink feather and sparkle dress on. Eden's outfits were shipped and didn't come. This is an 80's pageant and Eden has no 80's wear. There is an awful lot of pink at this pageant. Mickey has pink glasses and pink eyeshadow. I hope everyone doesn't have breast cancer. Eden's pink 80's wear arrives. MaKenzie has "no idea what the 80's are." After next temper tantrum MaKenzie wants to know why she "can't ever be by myself." She does not show for 80's wear. Wait, she does show, massively late. She will get a point off by every single judge. She is not wearing her flipper but does have an awful lot of personality. Mickey says "Eden is all over this 80's thing, she's gonna be off the hook." It is anybody's game. Eden is posing on the bed already.
MaKenzie's age group:
Most Beautiful: Not MaKenzie
Best Dressed: Not them
80's Winner: Not them
Future Winner: MaKenzie - it appears that this is code for didn't win anything
Eden's age group:
"Don't knock nobody out getting to the stage," says Mickey.
Most Beautiful: Eden
Best Dressed: Eden
80's Winner: Eden
Universal Royalty Queen: Not Eden - this is a good thing
"Please god, please god, please god," emotes Eden with that coached bereft face. "She really wants that princess bed."
Universal Grand Supreme: Eden - this is not a good thing, she did not win the princess bed
Ultimate Grand Supreme: Neither of them
Whining and crying all around. MaKenzie has never not won a crown. "Please don't cry, you're gonna make mommy cry." Eden's mascara is running. Mickey says "Eden's celebrity status, she's bigger than this, she's Eden Wood."
"My ideal day tomorrow will be miss ringy-ding, we'd like to sign Eden for a $2 million deal. Bye-bye teacher's job, hel-lo Hollywood." Guess who said that?
Missed most of trailer for next week but heard "sexy little thing." Reserve right to comment on pervs again.
Extreme Couponing is next. Followed by My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding on Friday. It appears that the gypsy thing is a grown up T&T.
I found him in my compost pile. It was like in Bones where they have to go on just some body parts. How did he get there? The Ice Truck Killer? (If you don't watch Dexter, you don't get this, do you?) Maybe he is the voodoo thing that I couldn't find in New Orleans because I am a tourist and tourists don't get to do the real thing. Ever. OMG! He might be Brad's long-lost brother. Did Brad do it? Or has he been spit from the bowels of hell? I will have nightmares for at least a week. Poor, poor imaginary boyfriend's brother. Oh, I fired almost-real imaginary boyfriend, so maybe he did it in a jealous rage. I love being the center of jealous rages. Must decide whether to bury him properly or let him sit on the bricks by the back door with the little plastic boat I found when we were digging the foundations of the barn. Maybe that would creep me out.
This is my mid-life crisis car. I just sold it on eBay to a serviceman in Afghanistan whose email address includes the word "decent." I like decent guys and am happy to have sold it to him. But I still have a fondness for my life after I ran away from home the first time. I also have a garage space issue. So gone it is. With much ado, my new BMW with the obscene 400 hp engine arrived from Oregon. Good deals in Oregon, there are. The truckers were two wild and crazy guys, just like Steve Martin and Chevy Chase in the old SNL. Eastern Europeans with socks and patterned shorts and all.
How many times do you get to see the underneath of your car? Especially when it is practically new? Well, I did because it was on the top of the truck. This is what it looks like.I pretty much couldn't watch them taking it off because they had to do all sorts of acrobatics to bring it to the bottom. Didja ever wonder why, for heavens sake, anyone wants to watch childbirth? You can never look at your wife the same way again. This was a pretty messy thing too, and I didn't want to be traumatized. Here's how it went:
This is wild and crazy guy number one. He is the driver and trailer operator. I forgot to get his name in the heat of the moment.
This is Jerry. He is wild and crazy guy number two and he called about directions about 30 times from 100 yards away not knowing he was 100 yards away. My son had to talk to him because he just didn't understand me. Well, I guess I wasn't being very clear. Remember, this is childbirth. He needs me to sign for my baby's birth marks.Ta-da! The Beast is born.
There is only one key and the iPod cable is missing. Well the bag with the barcode is there but the cable isn't. So there are a few deficiencies, but he is still my child, bless his heart.
This is a 1924 Rolls Royce. I am going to be the relief driver for nearly 30 days. That's about the length of my Woody road trip. We are starting in Idaho. I love Idaho. I had a niece-in-law who was invited to a costume party at which each couple would be representing a state. Said niece and now-husband were Idaho. She dressed like Mrs. Potato Head, with the smile on her belly. She has a belly on which one can paint and still be hot. Her now-husband wore a dress and a wig and lipstick and so on. Many men dress as women on Halloween, so this is not much of a surprise. The Idaho was. Now-husband said "I da Ho." Pretty clever, eh? Anyhow, I will be driving from Idaho up through Canada and back down again. All the cars will be Rolls Royces. I'm presuming old. The cars, not the people. Oops, come to thinks of it, the people will be old too. Except me as I am 51 and as you will remember am attractive to young men who watch too much older woman porn. You're only as old as your date. I wish I had a date to this road trip. I have my 90 year-old father and his wife. For three meals a day plus assorted pissiness.
In order to be the relief driver, I need to know how to drive the thing. I drive lots of things. How hard can it be? Well, let me tell you that it is hard. Very hard. As in I don't even want to practice because it is so hard. I will learn on the road, in the mountains. This is what it looks like when you are practicing driving with said 90 year old father shouting commands from the back seat and son being rather groovy for a change, sitting in front with me and telling me "that was a good one" when I shifted without grinding the gears senseless. The Rolls is right-hand drive so this pic looks sorta backward as my son took it from the left hand seat. As usual, I cannot reach the pedals, so I use my custom-made black leather booster seat.Father's wife wanted me to bring my GPS to try it out in the Rolls. I know that Woody doesn't have power, so I don't know how a 1924 Rolls would have it, and I also know that the GPS has a range of three miles after it has taken you to a god forsaken place (see road trip, West Virginia). Well, the Rolls has a secret cigarette lighter hidden under the front seat. Or some Rolls does. Turns out that there is no cigarette lighter at all. Was sent to get cigarette lighter to be wired in. Radio Shack has nice duplex splitters but had no idea what I meant. Looked for auto parts store. After going around and around via Dairy Queen, found auto parts store. Asked guy behind counter. Guy went back into those rows of bins that have stuff you want but you have to ask pretty please to get. And you have to know what you want. I love hardware stores in general because you can check out a lot of stuff you didn't know you couldn't live without. No such luck at the auto parts store. Anyhow, counter guy came back with three types of cigarette lighters. No idea which one is the right one. Took them all. One turned out to be the right one.
This is a Buick Lacrosse. Buick is the most popular car make in China. I know this because I just had lunch with someone who knows this. I think. Note to self: look up popular car makes in China. I also know what a Buick Lacrosse is because I have been driving one. And driving one. And driving one. Not near the ocean. I have been driving a red Buick Lacrosse from nowhere to my own nowhere. And boy has it been an interesting drive.
I had the good fortune to be invited to brunch at Nemacolin (which is in the middle of nowhere) by private jet. The trip took about 40 minutes. Pretty cool. I know that the pilot was unsure if he could land on the short strip, but he is a very good pilot. This plane is what should land there. We were not that plane. We did land on the strip. And then we landed in the mud. Well, one wheel of the landing gear did.
This is the place with the landing strip right behind it. Right behind. And we were the afternoon's entertainment. They tried boards. They tried backhoes. Many hours later, I heard that they tried air bags. A towing company had them. Unbelievably enough, this has happened two other times in the last year. Think they'd modify the strip, huh? People were glued to the glass checking it out. To make matters more interesting, the seal on the plane looks like Air Force One, but the eagle is holding a martini and an iPhone. No one really looks that closely though.
Fortunately, we had brunch while most of this happened. This is Lautrec. It looks pretty much like the picture but more decorative and less bordello. We had a private room. The service was awful, so it was good it was the fanciest buffet I've every had. Ate an entire plate (dinner plate size plate) full of tiny desserts. Listened to guest of a guest (who may not bring guests) drop so many names I spent half the meal picking them up. There was no room for other conversation which was a shame as this was the debut of son's new girlfriend.
This is said girlfriend and said son. The sign in the lobby says Expect The Unexpected. Well, now we know that they aren't kidding. No marketing fluff here. Which brings us back to the red Buick Lacrosse. We had to drive home. Five and a half hours. We also had a (small) SUV that we rented at the airport in Morgantown 40 minutes away. I thought I knew this airport. I did. It is near the Greenbrier. Shoulda just stayed there for the night and had lemon cake and finger bowls. But no. We were driving. Guest of guest asked what the SUV was. It was a Mitsubishi something or other. He was going to be crippled, he moaned. That will teach him to be a guest of a guest. When I saw the red Buick Lacrosse in the Hertz parking space H-9, I quickly got in, snagged the two wee ones, and hit the road. What I knew, that guest of guest and rest of crew didn't, was that the red Buick Lacrosse was twice the size of Mitsubishi SUV. The three of us flew the coop.
Five and a half hours with two teenagers can be a nightmare. For me, it was not. Son needed to pee. Exits few and far between. Gas station in sight from highway. Stop. I waited in the car in the spaces marked DO NOT PARK HERE. Turns out that half the place is a bar. A mini-mart with a bar. Cool idea. Note the outhouse in rear. Girlfriend said bathroom was dirtiest ever. I smiled. Hit the highway. Next exit a beautiful visitors center with clean bathrooms. I stopped and had myself a nice clean pee, with actual toilet paper and even paper towels! The soda machine even gave us an extra Diet Coke by mistake. It pays to know your visitors centers.
Back on the road. Easy sailing. Put in half tank (half tank! for a 5+ hour drive) of gas. Drop red Buick Lacrosse at private airport and drove The Beast home. The Beast is my new BMW. It is too much car for me and I love it. But I have to say that given my experience with the red Buick Lacrosse, the Chinese know a thing or two about cars.
Doesn't exist. Looked it up. Can't find out how many in a pot. What I think I know from The Deadliest Catch is that a great king crab pot has more than 50 and a great opilio crab pot has more than 100. I did find out how to spell opilio. I thought is was opelio.Some guy in Canada gets really scientific about it. He tells us about how many opilio go into each pot of each size. I thought there was only one size. I bet the guys on the Seabrooke use the big honkin' kind. No word on king crab.
Did find a site that has King Crab 101. Here's what I learned:
- King crabs are direct descendants of hermit crabs. This must mean that those little guys you get for your kid when they are in preschool got to be some pretty big grown ups.
- Really big king crab have a leg span of 6 feet across and weigh over 20 pounds. That's about 5 reams of printer paper that you use in your inkjet and you know how heavy that is when the plastic bag from Staples rips down the sides and you have to kind of balance the paper under the handles because you have to hold the sticky notes, colored paper clips and impulse candy purchase in the other hand.
- Red king crab has a red shell
- King crab live from 10 to 20 years. Think of all that teen angst. Don't you slam that door on me, young lady.
- Bait is really the stuff that eats king crab. Honest.
- Eeny weeny king crab eat phytoplankton and zooplankton. This means they eat the stuff that floats around in the water that makes your bathing suit smell funny.
- Adolescent king crabs eat other crabs. I could make a really bad Columbine joke, but I won't.
- Grown ups eat worms and barnacles, among other stuff. Aren't you glad you know what you're eating?
- You catch red king crab in 200 feet of water.
- You catch golden king crab in 1600 feet of water. That's a lot of line. And that's why no one does it, at least on Deadliest Catch. Sig went for blue crab last season. It was very dark and very cold. I don't think blues are king crabs.
- King crabs are known as snow crabs, and are served in all-you-can-eat restaurants. They really say that.
Deadliest Catch. I have been concerned that the enjoyment has gone from watching my favorite TV show while writing about it. So I tried for two weeks to really pay attention to what is going on. And you know, it's okay to write. So I have to give the really, really quick recap of the last two weeks.
- Hurricane
- Edgar really leaves before opilio season (will we see him again? I guess yes)
- Seabrooke continues to be rock star
- Josh and Jake are fucked but Jake passes pee test
- There are a lot more opilios in a trap than king crab (note to self: look up how many, on average, are in trap for each variety)
- Deckhands make same big $ on the Northwestern, even without Edgar (see, everyone's replaceable, except, of course, the late Captain Phil)
- Mr. Magoo is still good for Captains Johnathan (remembered the h this time) and what's his name (his brother)
- Captain Bill on the Kodiak has sort of fetching longer hair and no shirt with crabs up the sleeves (still can't find that fucking shirt)
- The Ramblin' Rose continues to be a dark-horse favorite, at least to me
- Time Bandit executes best trick ever on Sig-- a bunch of lit flying chinese lanterns in the dark-- you shoulda seen Sig's panic
- The good deck hand from the Cornelia Marie moved to another boat (can't remember which) because he didn't make any money during king crab
And that is all you need to know about what happened. Honest injun. Well, maybe I coulda gone into a bit more detail if I could remember it. Not going to bother rewatching recordings, but can't bear to delete them. Haven't watched the greenhorns one yet.
Now for tonight's festivities. We pick up where the storm is really bad and most everybody does what any sane guy does in this case and it ain't fishin'. Not Sig. He is a tyrant. They are hauling pots while the ice covers the deck. Not great yield. Serves him right. Sig testy with cameraman because he has to pay attention here. Big suspense as big wave comes, just enough to mention frost-brewed Coors Light before that Bon Jovi song and Sig scary eyes. Massively big wave. Sorta dark. Dirty Jobs guy says 35 foot wave nearly shattered the windshield. Now Sig comes to senses. This ain't working. They will wait til daylight. Daylight? What about next week or something? You gotta know when to just stop, says Sig. He can't control it they way he wants to control it. Sig is all about control. Hmmm.... Never known him to just stop. We'll see. Still dark when we get back to him. See, I told you they wouldn't wait til morning. Oh, maybe it is morning and they don't have any sunlight up there. It is winter. Sig worried about not having Edgar on deck. He has to take his stomach pill. I wonder if that is Prilosec that is shilled by Captain Keith. Jake is scared. Sig says he's done it before. Running the crane, that is. Not so many crab. Interesting, Sig is asking if they are alright. When Edgar was there, Sig said they were alright and not to be such weenies about it. Well maybe he doesn't use the term weenies, but you get the idea. Without his leader (Edgar) Jake says no one to tell him boom down, knuckle in, don't worry. That's alright if it's flat calm, but this is about as bad as it gets. Sig smoking up a storm. Pissed at Jake at the hydros. Too many pot flings (my term). If Jake thinks he's all that, he's sorely mistaken, spits a riled up Sig. If you have 1500 pounds of swinging steel in the palm of your hand, you better be serious. I can relate! Woody is two tons of steel without power steering. I am brother in arms with Bering Sea fishermen!
Wizard beat to hell. Still heading straight for eye. Boards off deck. Hazard. Captain Keith deciding if to haul. Crew fixes deck in this shit. Waves coming with ominous music. Dammit. Keep hauling. Good pots. Sea gods like them, I say. Sea going from bad to dangerous. Lennie bonked head from out-of-control trap haul. Lennie needs to get off deck but won't. Captain Keith makes him come upstairs. Oops, more blood. Elbow. Everybody in. Can see Lennie's bone. Needs stiches. I'm not sure what they do in these cases. I know Jake pulled his own tooth with pliers a few seasons ago. Do they hand Lennie a needle and dental floss? Oh, and is it Lennie or Lenny? My TV still weirdly formatted with truncated captions. Lennie don't want no pain killer. Captain Keith will sew it up. Maybe six stitches. Oh, it's Lenny. Could see it then. Needle size of halibut hook. Pitching of boat makes it hard to sew. Lenny's a tough dude. Looks gnarly. Lenny still wants to throw shots. Captain Keith says may be worst suturing job ever but says will heal up in a few hours. Lenny doesn't know what to do with himself. This is frontier medicine says Captain Keith.
Captain Junior of the Seabrooke has pots on deck which is not a good thing because they get very heavy with ice and can tip the boat over. He may have to suitcase his pots. That means they just toss em over because they'll never get them back anyway. I like this term, suitcase. I do not like that Captain Junior may have to employ this term. They are riding the bull and the forecast is getting worse. Skipper is getting spooked, says deckhand. Putting on an awful lot of ice. They have to rip pots off as fast as they can. It is slick on deck (and on stack!). Need to get pots on ledge so that they don't go too deep and get lost to sea forever. Whew. First string down. Turn around. Still have 180 miles an hour.
New Captain Tony on Cornelia Marie. Came out of retirement to turn the operation around. He will be hero or zero, he guesses. First pot a jumbo! Paper plate with happy face in front window. Apparently Captain Phil used to do that. Captain Tony is rockin it, says Josh.
Time Bandit still doing nothing. Oh, Andy. That's the brother's name. Need to go out now. Eddie Junior, greenhorn, doesn't know if he can do this but he's doing it anyhow. I like Eddie Junior. He smiles a lot. It's probably Eddy. Oops. Have to check. Lots of crab. Eddy learns how to sort from his Dad. Huge wave. Hey Mike, are you okay Mike? Commercial. For beer. Good timing. Back to Time Bandit. Mike is hurt. Captain Andy needs his kit. Mike can't see because his face got whacked into metal sorting table. Captain Andy says sorry about that, dude. Mike says hey, it happens. Captain Andy puts suture take across Mike's eyebrow and offers aspirin. Geez, these guys are tough. Mike working again. If tape doesn't hold, Captain Andy will have to shave his eyebrow. Mike's, that is. Mother nature kicked him in the face, says Mike. Whack! Lots more crab. Big numbers. 1-6-0. Eddy Junior's teeth are hurting. He is hurling. His vision is going blurry. Turns out he has had an abscessed tooth for a couple of months. Captains did not know. Calling dentist. I hope that isn't Jake with his pliers. Checking blood pressure. 113 over 75. Keep drinking. I don't think they mean beer, but that would probably be a good idea. Shredded flag on bow. Eddy is going to pass out. Put him in his bunk. Going back to St. Pauls.
Seabrooke not a rock star! No crab. Time Bandit way ahead. Except for Ramblin' Rose, Northwestern has lowest crab count! That must be why Sig is taking his stomach pill. What is happening with the new guys? No crab? Seabrooke has easy, 100,000 pounds of ice. Ditching pots, but still dangerous because rest of the boat under 8 inches of solid eyes. Negative 65 degrees, with wind chill. Skin can freeze in 7 minutes. How come you don't see these guys with frost bite? On Everest, they get frost bite all the time, and its not that cold, and certainly not that wet. Need to break pots free of ice. Five minutes and door not even open. Have to take sledge hammer and beat rope and stuff from inside pot and then beat the rest of the pot to get the ice off. These guys will earn their money today, says Captain Junior. I don't think any of us viewers understand how heavy this stuff is. All pots down.
Now for tonight's festivities. We pick up where the storm is really bad and most everybody does what any sane guy does in this case and it ain't fishin'. Not Sig. He is a tyrant. They are hauling pots while the ice covers the deck. Not great yield. Serves him right. Sig testy with cameraman because he has to pay attention here. Big suspense as big wave comes, just enough to mention frost-brewed Coors Light before that Bon Jovi song and Sig scary eyes. Massively big wave. Sorta dark. Dirty Jobs guy says 35 foot wave nearly shattered the windshield. Now Sig comes to senses. This ain't working. They will wait til daylight. Daylight? What about next week or something? You gotta know when to just stop, says Sig. He can't control it they way he wants to control it. Sig is all about control. Hmmm.... Never known him to just stop. We'll see. Still dark when we get back to him. See, I told you they wouldn't wait til morning. Oh, maybe it is morning and they don't have any sunlight up there. It is winter. Sig worried about not having Edgar on deck. He has to take his stomach pill. I wonder if that is Prilosec that is shilled by Captain Keith. Jake is scared. Sig says he's done it before. Running the crane, that is. Not so many crab. Interesting, Sig is asking if they are alright. When Edgar was there, Sig said they were alright and not to be such weenies about it. Well maybe he doesn't use the term weenies, but you get the idea. Without his leader (Edgar) Jake says no one to tell him boom down, knuckle in, don't worry. That's alright if it's flat calm, but this is about as bad as it gets. Sig smoking up a storm. Pissed at Jake at the hydros. Too many pot flings (my term). If Jake thinks he's all that, he's sorely mistaken, spits a riled up Sig. If you have 1500 pounds of swinging steel in the palm of your hand, you better be serious. I can relate! Woody is two tons of steel without power steering. I am brother in arms with Bering Sea fishermen!
Wizard beat to hell. Still heading straight for eye. Boards off deck. Hazard. Captain Keith deciding if to haul. Crew fixes deck in this shit. Waves coming with ominous music. Dammit. Keep hauling. Good pots. Sea gods like them, I say. Sea going from bad to dangerous. Lennie bonked head from out-of-control trap haul. Lennie needs to get off deck but won't. Captain Keith makes him come upstairs. Oops, more blood. Elbow. Everybody in. Can see Lennie's bone. Needs stiches. I'm not sure what they do in these cases. I know Jake pulled his own tooth with pliers a few seasons ago. Do they hand Lennie a needle and dental floss? Oh, and is it Lennie or Lenny? My TV still weirdly formatted with truncated captions. Lennie don't want no pain killer. Captain Keith will sew it up. Maybe six stitches. Oh, it's Lenny. Could see it then. Needle size of halibut hook. Pitching of boat makes it hard to sew. Lenny's a tough dude. Looks gnarly. Lenny still wants to throw shots. Captain Keith says may be worst suturing job ever but says will heal up in a few hours. Lenny doesn't know what to do with himself. This is frontier medicine says Captain Keith.
Captain Junior of the Seabrooke has pots on deck which is not a good thing because they get very heavy with ice and can tip the boat over. He may have to suitcase his pots. That means they just toss em over because they'll never get them back anyway. I like this term, suitcase. I do not like that Captain Junior may have to employ this term. They are riding the bull and the forecast is getting worse. Skipper is getting spooked, says deckhand. Putting on an awful lot of ice. They have to rip pots off as fast as they can. It is slick on deck (and on stack!). Need to get pots on ledge so that they don't go too deep and get lost to sea forever. Whew. First string down. Turn around. Still have 180 miles an hour.
New Captain Tony on Cornelia Marie. Came out of retirement to turn the operation around. He will be hero or zero, he guesses. First pot a jumbo! Paper plate with happy face in front window. Apparently Captain Phil used to do that. Captain Tony is rockin it, says Josh.
Time Bandit still doing nothing. Oh, Andy. That's the brother's name. Need to go out now. Eddie Junior, greenhorn, doesn't know if he can do this but he's doing it anyhow. I like Eddie Junior. He smiles a lot. It's probably Eddy. Oops. Have to check. Lots of crab. Eddy learns how to sort from his Dad. Huge wave. Hey Mike, are you okay Mike? Commercial. For beer. Good timing. Back to Time Bandit. Mike is hurt. Captain Andy needs his kit. Mike can't see because his face got whacked into metal sorting table. Captain Andy says sorry about that, dude. Mike says hey, it happens. Captain Andy puts suture take across Mike's eyebrow and offers aspirin. Geez, these guys are tough. Mike working again. If tape doesn't hold, Captain Andy will have to shave his eyebrow. Mike's, that is. Mother nature kicked him in the face, says Mike. Whack! Lots more crab. Big numbers. 1-6-0. Eddy Junior's teeth are hurting. He is hurling. His vision is going blurry. Turns out he has had an abscessed tooth for a couple of months. Captains did not know. Calling dentist. I hope that isn't Jake with his pliers. Checking blood pressure. 113 over 75. Keep drinking. I don't think they mean beer, but that would probably be a good idea. Shredded flag on bow. Eddy is going to pass out. Put him in his bunk. Going back to St. Pauls.
Seabrooke not a rock star! No crab. Time Bandit way ahead. Except for Ramblin' Rose, Northwestern has lowest crab count! That must be why Sig is taking his stomach pill. What is happening with the new guys? No crab? Seabrooke has easy, 100,000 pounds of ice. Ditching pots, but still dangerous because rest of the boat under 8 inches of solid eyes. Negative 65 degrees, with wind chill. Skin can freeze in 7 minutes. How come you don't see these guys with frost bite? On Everest, they get frost bite all the time, and its not that cold, and certainly not that wet. Need to break pots free of ice. Five minutes and door not even open. Have to take sledge hammer and beat rope and stuff from inside pot and then beat the rest of the pot to get the ice off. These guys will earn their money today, says Captain Junior. I don't think any of us viewers understand how heavy this stuff is. All pots down.
Commercial for After The Catch. I don't like After The Catch. Takes mystique out of it. I like my Captains heros, not regular guys. I suppose it would be okay if I were in the bar with them. Commercial for diabetes meter which you don't have to prick your finger with. And delivery is free.
Storm over, collective sigh of relief. All men are safe but there will be no rest as every crew faces a cathedral of ice, says Dirty Jobs guy. Need to knock all ice off. Vaguely cathedral-like soprano music. Very poignant. The merciless chill --- spares no one. Not the injured, the beaten or the exhausted. More music. Lots of sledge hammers pounding ice. Shit. I couldn't do this job, and I can do an awful lot.
Delivered fire engine to Sewanee. Captain very happy. It drives around the parking lot just fine. They will build a special room for it. Hope my kid still wants to be a fireman.
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