Woody & My IBF

 This is Alicia. Alicia works in the world's best breakfast place that Herb works at during the evening. She was very busy and couldn't talk much. The breakfast was very good. This is mango and coconut french toast. The eggs were the first edible ones of The Tour. Herb came in as we finished and we busted his chops about being late. He will lose his job. Big deal, said Herb, I have two other ones. He does. Herb is a go-getter. He also said he would cook us strudel and it would be very good. I bet it would. Too bad we are leaving today.

This is Todd and Carrie. They were looking at the car. I had a nice conversation with them that covered interesting things, but I can't for the life of me remember about what. I think it had something to do about vacation.





This is what it looks like to ride in the back seat up to the park gate. This is what it looks like to ride in the back seat looking at a burn area. This is what it looks like to... Oh, heck, when you ride in the back seat it all looks the same. We went up 5400 feet. That is high and cold. I am not good enough to drive on an 11% grade as I cannot downshift yet. Thus the back seat.



This is the park pass collector's place. It has an address. Have you ever seen a toll booth with an address? Me neither. Must be a Canadian thing. This is Marti (or Marty or Mardi). She works in 5085 and gives us a group rate on our passes.










It is fucking cold. It has been fucking cold for days. I am wearing a shirt, a sweater, a windbreaker, a quilted jacket and a parka, all at once, in that order. Also a ski cap and gloves. I am fucking, fucking, fucking cold. Have I mentioned it's cold? Here are Bob and Bev. They are in shorts. A Tour passenger (not me-- I have on way more clothes) is on the right. Obviously, Bob and Bev are not cold. They do not ride in a Rolls Royce. This is Jack and Jack. No, they say. They are Ray and Ray. I don't know where I got Jack. Jack wants to know if we have a reverse spark. We do. You can make the car go backwards. Yes we can. Cool.

These are two teenagers who are on their billionth tour and really don't want to be here but their parents made them and when they grow up they will understand why this is great. I love her RR cap. Note ski cap liner and multiple jackets. He is crazy and doesn't wear much but then complains and hides under the tonneau cover. I have been known to do that. It hailed again.



 This is a corner of The Chateaux at Lake Louise. They are not very nice here and do not respect the cars. Several of us got parking spaces up front but then the valet Nazis decided that they could only do so much for the group. They got 4 in and need the rest because they have 15 rental cars coming in. I don't think they understand that there is roughly $18 million trying to park. I asked them to valet it, just like at Biltmore. Just like at Biltmore they said they couldn't. Why not? Oh, just nevermind. We were directed to park in the garage. One of us is over 8 feet tall. Didja ever see a parking garage with 9 foot clearance? Me neither. This is an asshole.

Came to the Chateaux to have lunch overlooking Lake Louise. Nine in our group. We offered to split into two groups. It would be a long time, a very long time and wouldn't take our names. Hmmm... I guess this is a Teutonic establishment, secretly funded by Porsche, Mercedes, BMW and Audi, and plotting against the wild Rolls Royce. We had lunch anyhow, not at the nice place, but in the basement. This is the view to the lake. Not too bad, but we came for the big view.





This is Christine and this is Godfrey. I think that is his English name like they have on the help lines in India. It seems that a lot of Japanese tourists come to fancy hotels in Canada. When asked whether to have the chowder or the special soup, Godfrey said well, the latter is special. It was funny. One of the lunchers said that at the gas station they were asked where they could rent one of these (the Rolls). Seriously. Oh, and no free Internet. Only in expensive hotels do you have to pay for Internet.


After lunch we sought out the elusive Qiviuk. What the heck is that? A qiviuk is a musk ox. It lives in northern Canada and is 8 times lighter and warmer than cashmere. Its fur that is. And a lot of Japanese people buy it. In fact, the two shopkeepers we met spoke very little English. This is Daichi. I love Daichi. We had the usual credit card problems when I was trying to buy a very lovely qiviuk sweater. Tried three cards. Daichi gave me an 8% discount. So sorry for inconvenience. Daichi understands why I need a warm sweater as he has gone all over Japan by motorbike. Still working on credit cards. Daichi gives me 10% discount. So sorry for inconvenience. When I asked to take Daichi's picture, he said just like Japanese movie star.


Back on road perusing signs. One of those big lettered light up portable signs: Avalanche. Well didn't see an avalanche, but did see Blasting Area No Stopping sign. In the middle of these gorgeous mountains that we haven't left all day, there is a plant of some kind. Baymor. Then LaFarge. Then Greymont. And a Class III Landfill. Then an Improvement District. Yes, you need some. Note to self: see what plants make. Looks like strip mining.


Go over Texas Gate. I have to postulate what a Texas Gate is but it is metal slats with nothing beneath it. I think it is to keep cattle from crossing. This would make sense because we are going into Rafter Six Ranch. Sign: Chipmunk Crossing. Slow. I get my shotgun out on chipmunks. Steal all the bird food and undermine massively old trees doing untold damage. I assume Chipmunk Crossing Slow means to go slow to aim your wheels properly and not spook the things until it is too late.

The Rafter Six Ranch is a dude ranch. I have spent many summers in a similar place in Colorado. I like it. However, Rolls Royce drivers do not. We are staying for two nights. Get to assigned cabin which turns out to be pretty historic. Two bedrooms and one bath. Daddyo cannot share a bathroom with his wife and he sure as hell isn't gonna share a tiny one with two of us. Race back to reception before they see this. Get last room in lodge which has been vacated by someone who didn't like it. It is fine although up three flights of very steep steps. Fancy Couple checks out early and goes somewhere we know not. There are rumors about the precarious financial situation of Fancy Couple but they are still putting on the Ritz (or the Chateaux or whatever). They have had to put their plane on lease through Delta. Friends next to me have no hot water. I say it is part of the experience although I am waiting to wash my hair until civilization.

Go to bar. This is Joanne the bartender. Joanne the says that we will have her waiting on us (all 50 of us) because they have a wedding. A small one, 100 guests. The other two waitresses will do that. Last week they did one for 260. About half are from France. Go figure. I suppose it's like us wanting to get married in sight of the Eiffel Tower or something. Drink and read Rocky Mountain Outlook newspaper:

Canmor to cull bunnies
Banff agrees to fund seniors' housing
Several Bow Valley wildlife photographers are mad as hell and they're not going to just take pictures anymore.





Stan visits with us. He is Stan Crowley who owns the joint but I had to pry that out of him. Stan tells us about the white buffalo. He is four years old, from the Dakotas, and a true white buffalo, not an albino. Stan says white buffalos are one in 1 to 5 million. I looked it up on the Bison Association or something website and they say 10 million and they should know. The buffalo has dark eyes and he is in quarantine behind the corral after a couple of months in quarantine in Nebraska. The official animal guys came to the Rafter Six to get rid of the lambs and goats at the petting zoo and spray the place with lots of stuff. The white buffalo is sacred to the Indians. Stan says that everyone of his generation (white and red alike) say Indians. The next generation says First Nations. Now they say Aboriginals. Anyhow, all the tribes in the U.S. have done ceremonies with the buffalo which I think is named White Spirit. Also looked him up. No mention. Must be on the down low for the Indians. As each tribe does its rituals, it ties a flag up.



Time for wagon rides. Not everybody fits in so I decide to wait for next go around. First passenger said it was a tour of the place and not worth it. Didn't go. Later wish I had because I like to know the history of places. Decided to see white buffalo instead. Walked around and around and way behind the corral like he said but no luck. Waited for something, I forget what. Someone, I think it was Stan, said to go straight through the corral and the horses are friendly as long as you keep talking.

Decide to give it a go. Open gate. Step in between about 25 horses. Keep talking. Do great. Am confident. Very very large horse taking interest. I know how to approach a horse because I went to yet another dude ranch and the horse whisperer told me. Big horse is happy I know this. Horse breathes heavily and literally took a little of my shirt up his nose. Get to other side and ta-da! White buffalo. Unfortunately, white buffalo is not very interesting. He will be let go with a younger bull and three cows (I think you call them cows and not buffalettes). Life of Reilly and he knows it.



We are only to take pictures of white buffalo for our personal use and not for commercial purposes. I hope that I am not violating any sacred stuff by posting here. As the fourth white buffalo signifies the end of the earth in an Indian traditional story, I would not want to be responsible for Armegeddon. The flags are sort of Nepal prayer flags. I'm amazed by the similarity of traditions around the world. The most bizarre stuff is happening in this post. It is very, very difficult to size the photos. They keep on coming up big. Gotta take this white buffalo stuff seriously.






This is a guy on The Tour. He is rocking the western stuff. This is just before dinner. We have BBQ steak and the best beans ever. Ever ever.

Depleted my store of FiberOne bars which were the good kind before they put enough sugar in them to put you into a diabetic coma. I know about FiberOne from Bob Greene's Best Life Diet. Bob Greene is Oprah's diet guy. He is the one responsible for that episode of the Oprah show where Oprah pushes in a shopping cart full of lard in the amount equivalent to her weight loss. It was impressive. It was real. It was real because she put it all back on again. I like Bob Greene. I like the Best Life Diet. I lost 32 pounds and kept 20 off until I started working with Ron The Hun and it got to be more like 10. The gain was muscle. Honest. I can make small children cry with displays of my awesome strength. Anyhow, depleted supply of FiberOne bars because I slept exactly 17 hours and 20 minutes today, 12 hours last night and a nice healthy 5 hour and 20 minute nap this afternoon. Missed breakfast and dinner.

The Bighorn Sheep Meadows or something is a really nice place. I had hoped to spend time sitting on my patio looking out on the Rocky Mountains. It also has a great sofa which I spent a lot of time on. What I did do is go to the Radium Hot Springs. Again, I am concerned about this radium stuff. And now I have to immerse myself in it. However, I have been to many places with hot springs and I always wanted to go but didn't know the etiquette and that usually gets in the way of my doing cool things. Car requires maintenance as usual. That is why we have two day stopovers. It appears we have a dirty oil filter. Good thing we packed spares in the trunk. We have a trunk trunk not a trunk where you put your groceries and the English call a boot. The spare oil filters from the trunk trunk do not fit. It is not a good thing we packed spares. Figure out work around. The Ghost has a glass oil gauge underneath the engine that you have to crouch down to see. Really crouch down and put your head sorta sideways. Still have oil which is very dirty but the car starts. Maybe this is Woody's problem? Note to self: change Woody's oil filter. I don't remember seeing Woody's oil filter so this is either the problem or the problem is that I don't know what parts are on the Woody. Just in case, drive with friend to hot springs.

The hot springs are in a national park. You do not have to buy the park pass to get in because it is only 2 kilometers. That is a mile kinda. I wonder what would happen if you kept on going into the rest of the park without a park pass. Maybe the sheep would rat you out. We saw some sheep. They are small and shedding and not very menacing. A big river shoots out from the hot springs building. I think it's hot but may just be a regular river next to the hot spring. Turns out that the hot springs are a swimming pool that is very warm. You go to a locker room where you change into your bathing suit just like at the gym. Then you get in the pool and don't swim. Someone said the water is 10 degrees warmer when it comes out but they cool it off so you won't get scalded. Wonder if that is Celsius or Fahrenheit? I'm still confused why they call it Celsius or Centigrade. Centigrade I get because there are 100 degrees at boiling. I guess Celsius is a tribute to a guy who had something to do with this. I'm probably right. Get into the pool. Really like it. I think it has minerals in it. It clears up my poison ivy in 20 minutes. Pretty potent minerals. Also smells like chlorine a little but not much. Get out. Refuse to go to cold pool. Shower and try to dry off under those hand dryer kind of things on the wall but can't figure out how to turn them on. Steal someone else's towel, dry and get dressed. Have pistachio ice cream before everyone else comes out so that no one else has one. I need to get lunch because it is 2 pm and I missed breakfast and the only way to get lunch is to make sure the driver is hungry.

Get flat tire. This happens a lot. Fix flat tire.

Hear from others on The Tour that golf course place has good food. Try to get driver to go there. Instead stop at first place that has an OPEN sign on it. Turns out pretty good. Got food in half an hour. This is really good. Forget to take pictures because stunned by speed. Buffalo burger with mushrooms and cheese and bacon. Buffalo has a lot less fat in it than beef. Fixed that with the cheese and bacon. Sweet potato fries really good. Waiter even better. This is Herb. Asked if place next door which is closed but is on the Recommended list of restaurants for this evening has good strudel. It does not. It is horrible, like brown bread. The best strudel is where we ate last night and didn't have dessert because it took too long. We have been chasing strudel like an addict chases his first high. In this case, our first high was at Frank's and Frank's strudel being made just like his mother made is a very high standard to meet. I never understood the chasing your first high before until I had dilaudid intravenously. Serious high. Tried dilaudid in pill form afterwards. Actually try a lot after I was released and still try on occasion. When you have cancer they give you all the opiates you want and I now have a big stash even five years later. Never as good as that first one by IV. I now understand users. I never did before. It feels sooooo good. Good thing I don't have any friends who are users because I would be in a gutter somewhere turning tricks with no teeth and collapsed veins between my toes. I just sleep a lot.

This is Herb. Herb has been a waiter almost everywhere in Radium. Ask for a breakfast recommendation as this morning's breakfast was no good. I don't know this personally because I slept through it. Herb points out window. Sign outside: Voted Number One Breakfast. After a good grilling, Herb agrees that the meal will come very quickly. They open at 8. We will not tell anyone about this place so that we get good service. Also, best strudel is in a town about 10 kilometers away. No one wants to go. Later hear that they went for dinner and the strudel was just okay. Frank's mother must be very popular.

See amazing place in Weird Homes show. I'm not sure if that is a Canadian program but I have never seen it. I want to go in. It is $3. But I am on A Tour and can't do what I want even though it has an arts and crafts store. You know me and my primitives. I bet this guy is awesome.

Awoke at 9 pm from nap and ate Nutrition pack of nuts from some airplane in the last 8 years for dinner (?).

 This is Helna's schnitzel. It is no where near as big as Frank's but it is veal. I think schnitzel is supposed to be veal but Frank's is pork. This is Helna's spaetzle. It is very very good. Sorry Frank.






This is braised venison. It is very gamy. I hear the lamb shank is very good. Shoulda had that. We do not have dessert because it has taken an hour and a half to get dinner. This seems to be a Canadian thing. Note to self: get 4:30 dinner reservation.