And Such As The South Africa And The Iraq

10:36 PM | | Edit Post

On Thursday night, I discovered Glamour Belles on TV.  After The Deadliest Catch and Toddlers and Tiaras, I think this is my new favorite reality show. Here is the trailer.


That's Paige, Joann's daughter, behind the tramp. Joann of Joann's Gowns, that is. "The destination dress shop in the South." In Union City TN! Note to self: find out how far away Union City is from Sewanee. 

Paige is the show, in that Mae West fill-the-room kind of way. They showed two half-hour episodes back to back. I was in a trance watching the first one, but by the second one I was really paying attention. Somewhere in the opening sequence Paige tells one of her customers in a revealing dress that "I'm afraid I might see your cookie." Add cookie to woo-woo and ding-a-ling euphamisms.

There were a few customers that tickled me more than others. The first is one of those 8-ish year old pageant girls who is too old for cupcake dresses. Mom and Grandmom came in with a gold and white dress in a plastic bag. Grandmom tried to alter it, and they have the preliminary to Miss Strawberry Festival that evening. New dress for her. I bet Grandmom paid. I checked out the festival. More than 40,000 people attend. Among other things, they have a checker tournament, Christian concert, BBQ cooking contest, parades, recipe contest and a tractor show (!). The pageant is really Little Miss Territorial Revue. It's in Humboldt TN. In May. Nuts.

Then there was the girl going to the Miss Tennessee preliminary (they're really big on preliminaries here at Joann's). The contestant said "I need Paige to find me a dress that makes me look more mature, in a classy way." Paige says "We're not competin' in teen, were in the majors now."  Our girl needs to look like a woman. That's her in the video above. She trusts the proprietress because "Paige just herself has really good style." Paige looks like an olive on toothpick legs. She wears black and a blond ponytail. Come to think of it, they make the salespeople at Neiman's wear black so I guess that's okay. Our miss is looking for white because all the winners wear white. Paige points out that last year's winner wore yellow. So yellow it is. She tries it on. $1393. Then a white one for $3790. That's the one in the clip. She feels like she's in the Porn Star Awards. Paige says she'd probably win something. Then a $2999 gold one. Finally, for $1790 another white one. I can't remember which one she chose (I think it was the yellow one) but she looked very nice. I think her name is Leah Beth (that's Lee-Ah, not Lee) and her mom is Gaye Beth. Could have been another girl.

There was another girl, Kyndall, who also wants to to look 24 or 25. She is 19. She is trying on dresses with mesh and net and all sorts of see-through stuff. Apropos to something, Paige doesn't want to "throw a link in your chain." She picks out a winning dress. Note that isn't a winning girl, it's a winning dress. It costs $3990 and is covered with zillions of white ostrich feathers and not much of anything else. Yup, I think it is a winning dress. It's her crown. Everyone else is vying for first runner up.


My favorite, favorite customer is Addie. Addie is the daughter of Miss Sue. She must be about 4 years old. Paige says that this is like Pee Wee football, the petri dish of pageantry. It's where it all starts. As for Paige, she likes kids, but wants 'em like the National Guard: one weekend a month and two weeks a year. "Addie is looking at princess dresses. She wants to try the yellow one because that's what princesses wear. Paige asks her if she's looking for her prince charming. From inside the dressing room a petulant little voice says no "cause I don't even have no makeup on." Everyone agrees that the blue one is best for her, but she wants mama to buy the pink one. Paige tells Miss Sue that they're going to do the old switcheroo. They'll take both because she's so pretty and then Miss Sue will bring the pink one back. 


The supporting cast of characters is promising. Mama Joann comes in with some clothes for alterations. 38 pieces of leopard print. She doesn't want Paige to touch them 'cause she'd steal him. At the end of the show, Paige gives them back to Joann, except for one, she winks. She brought them in just to get on my nerves. I like Paige. She tells her girls let's see it little mama and come on sister. I guess that's Tennessee for you go girl. Paige Burcham Carlton had 1111 friends on Facebook just after the show started. I don't think that includes fans. Not yet, anyhow.



I Just have to check out Joann's Gowns. Joann's sells prom dresses and quinceanena dresses, too. The plus-size ones are nicer than the regular. Animal prints are big, from little tart to big tramp. There's a lot of disturbing cross over between children and women. Note the white ankle socks.


This is what I imagine I would wear to go out with my almost-real imaginary boyfriend if I were 30 years younger. Isn't it sublime?



Joann's sells Hollywood Fashion Tape. I think that's what you stick on your really low cut dress so that you don't fall out of it. Like Jennifer Lopez. Also holds your swimsuit bottom in place. No extra cheek for those preliminaries. They also sell Winnweartheir site. Winnwear is the Official Swimwear of Miss America. The colors have been tested to withstand stage and television lighting. They are used at Sea World, too. Joann's also sells Miss Oops! accessories. I wondered what Miss Oops! is. Checked out the site. They make Boob Tubes. You can imagine my thoughts on this. The new and improved blow up doll? Actually, Boob Tubes are things like our tube tops in the '70s were, but in more tasteful colors and without the slouching we had to do so we wouldn't get busted for showing our bellies. They are used under low cut tops so that you don't look like you are going to the Porn Star Awards. Of similar use are Miss Oops Show Stoppers: These reusable silicone nipple covers are the perfect weapon to prevent "perk out." Miss Oops Show Stoppers...show's over! Show Stoppers is a registered trademark. Miss Oops asks, "feeling down? Here's something to perk you up!" Chicken cutlets. These are silicone doodads that make your boobs look bigger. Push up bra on steroids. For those of you who didn't know what you get from the Piggly Wiggly is different from what you put in your bra, you do now. And for those of us over 30, there are Jaks. 

Jaks is an absolute must for women who are not willing to give up their low-rise jeans and partake in "mom jeans." Jaks is worn over jeans and under tops- must like a shirt extender. It appears to be a lace camisole layered underneath your shirt- but actually, Jaks is the latest fashion weapon used to cover up butt-crack and muffin tops. Bend over and sit down ladies - Jaks has you covered!" 

I say burn your Jaks! Burn your Spanx! Go to the gym, you lazy moms! Ron the Hun may have an opening. But you'll still be 51.

Now that I had the wardrobe under control, I needed to know more about those Tennessee pageant preliminaries. Miss Spirit of the South and Miss Voice of Tennessee Cash Pageant are put on by Spirit of the South Pageants. Each cotestant [sic] is required to sponsor tickets to provide to their family and friends so they can come support you. But there is NO APPLICATION FEE or CONTESTANT ENTRY FEE require. Awesome. I thought I'd have to pay to compete. Here are some of the rules.
  • Prove your age (wouldn't want any of those pesky 19 year-olds compete in the Teen pageant, now would we? and heaven forbid we 51 year-olds enter under false pretenses, I know I can pass)
  • Must be single, never married, nor given birth to a child, and must be born female (damn, those girls on RuPaul's Drag Race would mop the stage with you)
  • Must not have been convicted of a felony (you're out, Winona)
  • May be from any state (wow, Miss Tennessee Spirit can be from Pennsylvania)
  • If you win you can't get married or pregnant, or you have to return the prizes
  • Contestant must never have, nor will she during her reign, pose for any photography, video, or film associated with any nudity or pornography.  She will not post inappropriate photos on My Space, Facebook, Twitter, Blogs, or Message boards.  Nor has she ever or is presently involved in any form of employment which involves partial or complete nudity. (now they tell me- hey, who can compete in this pageant anyway?) 
  • Cash prize can be used for scholarship or entry fee for another pageant (need to pay for the next $2000 gown)
There are four phases of competition and NO PRIVATE INTERVIEW OR TALENT REQUIRED. You'll understand that in a moment. In the meantime, here is what they look for in each category:
  • FASHION WEAR:  Your fashion wear should be high fashion.  It should reflect your personality, creativity, and individuality.  You may choose your own outfit and props are allowed.  This is something you would wear to look and feel your best in.  Each contestant is evaluated on overall impression, flare, energy, charisma, personal creativity, and individuality. (I think this is the part where they carry umbrellas or suitcases or toy dogs)
  • SWIMSUIT:  You may choose a swimsuit of your choice or color (1 or 2 piece).  Please make sure your swimsuit is tasteful (NO THONGS).  Each contest is evaluated on overall impression, physical fitness, and stage presence. (Sounds like Winnwear to me)
  • EVENING GOWN:  You may choose an evening gown of your choice (as long as it costs more than $2000). Each contestant is evaluated on overall first impression, grace, poise,  stage presence, and the confidence with which she carries herself.
  • ONSTAGE QUESTION:  The TOP 10 Finalist will each have a final on-stage question.  Each Finalist is evaluated on confidence with answer provided, the expression of answer provided, and the knowledge of question being asked. Can she think fast on her feet? 
And this my friend, is why thinking fast on her feet has always been a hallmark of the pageant system.


A Pound Of Flesh For 50 Of Silver

8:15 PM | | Edit Post
 
Thanks to Ron the Hun, I am extraordinarily incapacitated, at least as far as getting up and sitting down in any reasonable amount of time goes. He has decided I need to come in an extra session a week. Back to exercising 'til I puke (really). Too bad that after all that work I'm still 51. I was hoping for 33, making my almost-real imaginary boyfriend more appropriate. Anyhow, I have committed to myself that I'll get out of my cozy house and actually do things on occasion. Okay, on more than one occasion. So I keep a pad of paper that is my master list of stuff to do and the dates they're on. I cut the details out of the newspaper, and slip them under the top page of my pad. I had several to do this weekend, but I missed one, and the other is in Ohio which is just fine with Woody, but at the moment Woody won't and I don't want to just go in my pickup. So all that's left is the Interweave Bead Fest with 110 vendors. I thought I would go and see exactly why people bead. This is a three day event with instructional sessions and a bunch of other things. I don't get it. But a lot of people do. All the statistics I can find group beads with jewelry making, but that whole shebang is worth about 2.3 billion dollars in sales (2010). If you pay $5 for a bead (I'm taking a wild guess at that), then that's a whole heck of a lot of beads. 14.7 million households engage in this stuff. And don't get me started on Pandora beads, you know the ones that you pay $50 a pop for to put on your niece's bracelet, like charm bracelets were to us.

So I headed down the road and realized I really needed to go check for double plate silver for my step-mother. She turned 70 in February and I didn't get her anything because she sent an email out to everyone that we should do "whenever" gifts so she won't lose what she had bought. This happened after they missed my son's eighteenth birthday, mine by over a month (when I brought it up in some sort of other conversation), and my sister's by who knows how much (she's not speaking to me at the moment). I have a feeling she didn't like it when I just sent a card. So. She sent an email blast that she is looking for a mismatched set of plate for her redundant home. I thought it would be fun to collect the stuff but I really had a hard time because all the action is in sterling because it's all being melted down due to the price of silver. Last weekend, BFF and I went to the can't fail, sells everything places in Adamstown PA. She needed to find a chest of drawers that had to be 33" wide, max, and that is very hard to find indeed. Found a great one at a great price and had the truck to take it home. Too bad it was 1 inch too big. She knew where the silver guy was in the warren of booths but he had gone home with an impacted tooth. Couldn't find the schnitzel either. Had weisswurst and sauerkraut with brown bread at the brewery.


Anyway, given that the little antique mall in the town a few (okay more than a few) towns from me is on the way to the Bead Thing, I figured I'd stop and see if the silver guy that I had gotten a tip about didn't have an impacted tooth. Truth be told, I didn't really feel like going to the Bead Thing. Stopped at antique mall. Big sign "Barbeque Chicken Today". I looove these amateur deals that happen on the weekend, usually put on by the Lions or something. I also like pancake breakfasts at fire stations. It was a good omen. Walked in. Twenty feet ahead was Ali Baba's silver vault! I asked about the plate. You mean bits and pieces? I did. There were drawers and drawers and drawers of every kind of flatware you can imagine, arranged by age. The range of patterns is incredible. I didn't know what to pile my picks in, so the lady gave me a nice big tray. This is Rosie. I found oyster forks. I found ice tea spoons. Butter spreaders. Fish knives. Grapefruit (I think) knives. Those goofy perforated spoon cages for loose tea. Salt spoons. And of course plain old knives, forks, teaspoons and soup spoons (both broth and cream). I selected about 50 pounds (I think that's pretty close because a box of paper about the size of my pile weighs 35 pounds) of stuff including serving pieces. Bought the tray too. I had become rather fond of it. My step-mother puts her silver in the dishwasher. Um, dishwasher detergent is full of abrasives (used to be sand). That's how it gets the gunk off your dishes. Every time she washes her silver another half gram goes down the drain. I told her that I didn't think that was a very good idea. The next time I saw her she proudly chirped that now all her friends put their silver in the dishwasher. Note to self: figure out how to install reclamation devices so I can sell the orphaned silver.

Went to find chicken. Amish! Amish food is yummy. I bought a "dinner" consisting of a leg of chicken, chips, an oatmeal whoopie pie and a Diet Pepsi. The little sister was in charge of putting it in a bag. She looked like Lila Rae in a black dress. I would have loved to have a picture, but it is against the Amish beliefs (pride in oneself over God). Best chicken (non-fried category) I ever had. I ate it in my truck in the parking lot. The whoopie pie was in a festive scrap of purple saran wrap. Just like two wonderful oatmeal cookies with frosting in between. I'm not sure what's in the frosting to keep it together, but I would otherwise guess it is 99 percent confectioners sugar.

Went to check out the other five antique places within half a mile. No chest of drawers. Took pictures of two possibles but now that I look at them again, I don't think they are even a good stand in. Picked through lots of junk. A case of old tools on the third floor of a messy house. Scissors! Great big honkin' scissors! Be still my heart. The hitched a ride home with me. Five o'clock. Well, at least there is Bead Fest Philadelphia in August. That one has 160 vendors. God bless my imaginary boyfriend for not sending me to rehab for my scissors addiction.
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