8:44 PM |
I have always been confounded by people who drive SUV's. I mean, how many times do you head out over rock-strewn mud roads when you need to get your kids to school? Mercedes thinks you do this when you take a shortcut. Plus, whenever there's what seems to be an open parking spot at the Giant turns out to be teeny tiny because of the Suburban next to it. Now I live in the country, and we actually need SUV's every now and then, so I'll give my neighbors a pass. But New York City? Atlanta? Miami Beach? Are you kidding me?
I'm also at a loss to understand speedometers that register anything over 100 mph. Okay, 120. Unless you are dragging for pink slips, you'll never need any more. And if you're racing, you probably mod your car anyhow. You know, the autobahn does have a speed limit, contrary to popular U.S. belief. And how about those cars that look like kids' Transformers? I know someone who has a Lamborghini Countache. He takes it out once a month to the Dairy Queen to attract chicks. Okay, $200,000 for the one in a million chance you'll find a hot chick you like that also likes you. You've heard the expression about short billionaires: When he sits on his wallet, my Freddy is ten feet tall. Extrapolating in context, her Freddy has a giant penis when he drives that Lamborghini. Besides, you ever tried to get into one of those puppies? If you're wearing a skirt and no panties, they'll see more than your gynecologist does. What is it about no panties anyhow? Our dear soldiers and sailors have gone commando for years, and they don't make the tabloids. In the Vietnam war, the Underwater Demolition Team (from which the SEALs were formed) were identified in local brothels as "UTD, no skivvie." Back to the subject...
Then we have the 2008 Cadillac CTS commercial with a very sexy Kate Walsh. "When you turn your car on, does it return the favor." Yes, Woody does (insert blush here). You ever notice that there are a bunch of ads with vintage cars as the inspiration for today's? For example, Chrysler's "whatever happened to style"... American birthright, and so on. Cruising. Hello. Cruising is what we old car drivers do. Okay, I haven't done it yet, but I will at the Maple Festival. More Chrysler: "Arrive in style." Yup, score another one for Woody. "We believe it's time to get it back." Woody never lost it. The Nissan Quest ad opens with a woman sliding surfboards in it. Been there, done that. Subaru Outback lost sunglasses commercial: checks with old guy in front of trailer marked Rock Wonders. I check with guys like that all the time. Love the Road You're On. My manifesto.
One of my favorite music videos is from the Oak Ridge Boys: Hard to Be Cool In a Minivan. It's used in the Hyundai commercial. The lyrics actually say "It's hard to be cool when you're behind the wheel in an eight passenger automobile." Hard for you, but not for Woody.
How about the Toyota Sienna Swagger Wagon? Gotta love those commercials. Watch the Daddy Like Space one. He rolls the windows down and feels the wind in his hairs [sic]. Freedom. He and the open road running errands but he can take as long as he wants. Me too. But let's face it, a minivan will never be a swagger wagon. It can't possibly measure up to the woody Estate Wagon.
The Dodge Durango snowpocalypse ad ends with "without all wheel drive it's the end of the world." Not for Woody. Cold yes, problem no. How about the Subaru Outback commercial where the guy is watching a Snuggie ad and then takes a crowbar to the background revealing mountains? Ending: "Maybe You Should Get Out More." If you've been reading my blog from the very beginning, you know that the Christmas Snuggie was the last straw for me so I did get out more. And more. And more.
Another great soundtrack is Roam If You Want To in the Subaru Forester ad. The guys have surfboards on the roof and run into eskimos
Ta-da! Woody is absolutely everything that these ads pitch. Hah! Get on eBay right now and get yourself a classic.
I love the You Can Give Her This Or You Can Give Her That ad with the hamsters. I don't want to drive a minivan. I don't want to drive a toaster. I want to drive Woody.
I'm also at a loss to understand speedometers that register anything over 100 mph. Okay, 120. Unless you are dragging for pink slips, you'll never need any more. And if you're racing, you probably mod your car anyhow. You know, the autobahn does have a speed limit, contrary to popular U.S. belief. And how about those cars that look like kids' Transformers? I know someone who has a Lamborghini Countache. He takes it out once a month to the Dairy Queen to attract chicks. Okay, $200,000 for the one in a million chance you'll find a hot chick you like that also likes you. You've heard the expression about short billionaires: When he sits on his wallet, my Freddy is ten feet tall. Extrapolating in context, her Freddy has a giant penis when he drives that Lamborghini. Besides, you ever tried to get into one of those puppies? If you're wearing a skirt and no panties, they'll see more than your gynecologist does. What is it about no panties anyhow? Our dear soldiers and sailors have gone commando for years, and they don't make the tabloids. In the Vietnam war, the Underwater Demolition Team (from which the SEALs were formed) were identified in local brothels as "UTD, no skivvie." Back to the subject...
I have decided that Woody is the perfect car. I know this because I watch lots of car ads on TV. Woody has a speedometer up to 90! (I've actually done just under 80 but not for an extended period of time or in the heat). He is a chick magnet (for me a biker magnet). He is classic. He holds seven and if he had seat belts he could carry car seats. He is known for transporting surfboards. And we all know how admirably he performs in the snow. So lets see how he stacks up.
My kid has an Infiniti EX35. I drive it all the time. It's one of those crossover things which means it is a socially acceptable sedan that his friends won't kid him about. It has 298 horsepower and AWD. Even a snow mode. It has automatic transmission so he can text and drive at once. What was I thinking? I meant to buy him manual. The car's claim to fame is the 360 degree backup camera. I can park Woody without a backup camera, thank you very much. The Infiniti ad says you are "constantly surrounded by things you want to avoid." What would a road trip be if you wanted to avoid everything? The best part is not avoiding stuff. "Ordinary is getting into a car, extraordinary is never wanting to leave it." Yup. That's Woody. The VW Classic commercial is backed by Girls, Girls, Girls. Check.
My kid has an Infiniti EX35. I drive it all the time. It's one of those crossover things which means it is a socially acceptable sedan that his friends won't kid him about. It has 298 horsepower and AWD. Even a snow mode. It has automatic transmission so he can text and drive at once. What was I thinking? I meant to buy him manual. The car's claim to fame is the 360 degree backup camera. I can park Woody without a backup camera, thank you very much. The Infiniti ad says you are "constantly surrounded by things you want to avoid." What would a road trip be if you wanted to avoid everything? The best part is not avoiding stuff. "Ordinary is getting into a car, extraordinary is never wanting to leave it." Yup. That's Woody. The VW Classic commercial is backed by Girls, Girls, Girls. Check.
Then we have the 2008 Cadillac CTS commercial with a very sexy Kate Walsh. "When you turn your car on, does it return the favor." Yes, Woody does (insert blush here). You ever notice that there are a bunch of ads with vintage cars as the inspiration for today's? For example, Chrysler's "whatever happened to style"... American birthright, and so on. Cruising. Hello. Cruising is what we old car drivers do. Okay, I haven't done it yet, but I will at the Maple Festival. More Chrysler: "Arrive in style." Yup, score another one for Woody. "We believe it's time to get it back." Woody never lost it. The Nissan Quest ad opens with a woman sliding surfboards in it. Been there, done that. Subaru Outback lost sunglasses commercial: checks with old guy in front of trailer marked Rock Wonders. I check with guys like that all the time. Love the Road You're On. My manifesto.
One of my favorite music videos is from the Oak Ridge Boys: Hard to Be Cool In a Minivan. It's used in the Hyundai commercial. The lyrics actually say "It's hard to be cool when you're behind the wheel in an eight passenger automobile." Hard for you, but not for Woody.
How about the Toyota Sienna Swagger Wagon? Gotta love those commercials. Watch the Daddy Like Space one. He rolls the windows down and feels the wind in his hairs [sic]. Freedom. He and the open road running errands but he can take as long as he wants. Me too. But let's face it, a minivan will never be a swagger wagon. It can't possibly measure up to the woody Estate Wagon.
The Dodge Durango snowpocalypse ad ends with "without all wheel drive it's the end of the world." Not for Woody. Cold yes, problem no. How about the Subaru Outback commercial where the guy is watching a Snuggie ad and then takes a crowbar to the background revealing mountains? Ending: "Maybe You Should Get Out More." If you've been reading my blog from the very beginning, you know that the Christmas Snuggie was the last straw for me so I did get out more. And more. And more.
Another great soundtrack is Roam If You Want To in the Subaru Forester ad. The guys have surfboards on the roof and run into eskimos
Ta-da! Woody is absolutely everything that these ads pitch. Hah! Get on eBay right now and get yourself a classic.
I love the You Can Give Her This Or You Can Give Her That ad with the hamsters. I don't want to drive a minivan. I don't want to drive a toaster. I want to drive Woody.
What's that thing about how you can't really watch someone because just watching makes them change their behavior or something like that? Well, that is my pickle right now. I just plain don't have a lot to say lately and it really bugs me. I want, I need to be interesting. Or at least report on some interesting stuff. Ira Glass I ain't, but maybe Dora The Explorer.
I have decided to keep Woody here in my very own garage at my very own house so I can hit the road some more and get some more good stories. Next weekend (or I think maybe the following one) is the Pennsylvania Maple Festival. Yes, I know it's the wrong season. That of course, is why I'm going. This one is for the sap rising, not for actually tapping it and making something useful and yummy. Check this out: there is a car cruise (maybe we'll do it, first one!) and (drumroll) an antique tractor show! Tractors are farm machinery and you know how I feel about farm machinery. There is a Maple Queen. I was hoping to go see the pageant (maybe they'd have toddlers!), but she has already been crowned. What a let down. I mean, who has a festival without a pageant that wasn't like a billion days before the festivities? I suppose Miss Maple has to preside over her realm on the real days. I hope I see her in the parade.
Here is Eden Bertuzzi, the daughter of Beth and Mike Bertuzzi with maple royalty. This is the 64th Annual Maple Queen Scholarship Pageant and we all know that scholarship pageants call for marimba playing or other unique talant (as they spell it on the website), unless of course the entrant will sing. Which is usually. Guess what? Queen Eden (they really call her that) performed a vocal number from Wicked. I wonder if it was the one Michael Jackson sang. That'd be good sympathy strategy. She also had to compete in personal interview, promenade and a question and answer session. No word as to the content of the Q&A. Perhaps which tree does maple sap come from? The Canadian flag features what kind of leaf? And isn't promenade what the square dance record in the elementary school gym made you do?
Ms. Bertuzzi (isn't that a chain of overpriced spaghetti joints?) is Queen Maple XLIV. Sounds like the Superbowl. The other two are the First Maid of Honor and Second Maid of Honor. Those are the girls who help hold her dress up when she has to pee. Oh, that's at a wedding. The one on the right looks like Quinn on Glee (don't you think?), and is probably pregnant by the football captain. The one on the left is flinging nasty comments to Queen Maple XLIV from the side of her mouth. Probably something along the lines of be in the parking lot at midnight and we'll see just who deserved to be Maple Queen. Besides, I'm going to bang your boyfriend while you're busy with all your duties, like posing next to trees. the personal inteview, promenade, talant, and a question and answer session.
This pageant must be a big deal, though, because it was held at a sold out Meyersdale High School Auditorium. I decided to get a preview of what Meyersdale High is like. The school district's web site features, you guessed it, Queen Eden. I sense a Carrie moment coming on.
The Meyersdale School District has a Mission Statement. I never understood mission statements. They basically say we provide high quality (medical care, software, clothing, whatever) systems, allowing our (employees, customers, clients, partners, associates, whatever) a good and productive (experience, life, business, whatever). And did we mention quality? Has anybody ever written a more realistic mission statement, say, We at Bumblebee Restaurants strive to make a buck by providing as little as we can at the lowest possible quality while raping and pillaging our employees? I thought so. The Meyersdale Area School District is currently creating 919 productive citizens of the future. I suppose the auditorium isn't all that big. When I tried to find a pic, this came up. Maybe he will be a productive citizen in the future. Or a Meyersdale Maplette (truly- Facebook page on baton twirling).
Anyhow, I feel like I need to feed the voracious blogosphere or I will lose my very sweet imaginary readers who make my imaginary life so much richer (and save the orphans and the whales and fix cleft palates everywhere). Please bear with me. Lila Rae is taking a back seat to all the shoveling and planting and pruning and laundry doing because mother nature is not on my timetable. I will not allow my imaginary daughter to grow up with only an imaginary mother. I'll have to get Brad to babysit. Whoops, Brad is imaginary too.
I have decided to keep Woody here in my very own garage at my very own house so I can hit the road some more and get some more good stories. Next weekend (or I think maybe the following one) is the Pennsylvania Maple Festival. Yes, I know it's the wrong season. That of course, is why I'm going. This one is for the sap rising, not for actually tapping it and making something useful and yummy. Check this out: there is a car cruise (maybe we'll do it, first one!) and (drumroll) an antique tractor show! Tractors are farm machinery and you know how I feel about farm machinery. There is a Maple Queen. I was hoping to go see the pageant (maybe they'd have toddlers!), but she has already been crowned. What a let down. I mean, who has a festival without a pageant that wasn't like a billion days before the festivities? I suppose Miss Maple has to preside over her realm on the real days. I hope I see her in the parade.
Here is Eden Bertuzzi, the daughter of Beth and Mike Bertuzzi with maple royalty. This is the 64th Annual Maple Queen Scholarship Pageant and we all know that scholarship pageants call for marimba playing or other unique talant (as they spell it on the website), unless of course the entrant will sing. Which is usually. Guess what? Queen Eden (they really call her that) performed a vocal number from Wicked. I wonder if it was the one Michael Jackson sang. That'd be good sympathy strategy. She also had to compete in personal interview, promenade and a question and answer session. No word as to the content of the Q&A. Perhaps which tree does maple sap come from? The Canadian flag features what kind of leaf? And isn't promenade what the square dance record in the elementary school gym made you do?Ms. Bertuzzi (isn't that a chain of overpriced spaghetti joints?) is Queen Maple XLIV. Sounds like the Superbowl. The other two are the First Maid of Honor and Second Maid of Honor. Those are the girls who help hold her dress up when she has to pee. Oh, that's at a wedding. The one on the right looks like Quinn on Glee (don't you think?), and is probably pregnant by the football captain. The one on the left is flinging nasty comments to Queen Maple XLIV from the side of her mouth. Probably something along the lines of be in the parking lot at midnight and we'll see just who deserved to be Maple Queen. Besides, I'm going to bang your boyfriend while you're busy with all your duties, like posing next to trees. the personal inteview, promenade, talant, and a question and answer session.
This pageant must be a big deal, though, because it was held at a sold out Meyersdale High School Auditorium. I decided to get a preview of what Meyersdale High is like. The school district's web site features, you guessed it, Queen Eden. I sense a Carrie moment coming on.
The Meyersdale School District has a Mission Statement. I never understood mission statements. They basically say we provide high quality (medical care, software, clothing, whatever) systems, allowing our (employees, customers, clients, partners, associates, whatever) a good and productive (experience, life, business, whatever). And did we mention quality? Has anybody ever written a more realistic mission statement, say, We at Bumblebee Restaurants strive to make a buck by providing as little as we can at the lowest possible quality while raping and pillaging our employees? I thought so. The Meyersdale Area School District is currently creating 919 productive citizens of the future. I suppose the auditorium isn't all that big. When I tried to find a pic, this came up. Maybe he will be a productive citizen in the future. Or a Meyersdale Maplette (truly- Facebook page on baton twirling).
Anyhow, I feel like I need to feed the voracious blogosphere or I will lose my very sweet imaginary readers who make my imaginary life so much richer (and save the orphans and the whales and fix cleft palates everywhere). Please bear with me. Lila Rae is taking a back seat to all the shoveling and planting and pruning and laundry doing because mother nature is not on my timetable. I will not allow my imaginary daughter to grow up with only an imaginary mother. I'll have to get Brad to babysit. Whoops, Brad is imaginary too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)