Woody & My IBF

Ok, I love child beauty pageants. In particular, "High Glitz" pageants. You know, the ones with the rather whorish looking little girls. I have never seen one live (which I hope to do on my road trip), but I have seen plenty of TV and YouTube clips, and done my share of googling images.  I know who Eden Wood is. And no, I am not creepy (at least I don't think so). Sorry for the plethora of pictures, but there's just no other way to get this stuff across.

There are two TV shows covering pageants: Toddlers & Tiaras, and Little Miss Perfect. I like them both.  Both shows emphasize the mothers behind the beauties, but in different ways.  T&T mothers are fairly normal, save for the fact that they put their daughters (and sons!) in pageants. LMP mothers are unequivocally fat and/or ugly.  One mother was tattooed over her entire body, and she and her little beauty go to pageants in dentist daddy's King Air.  Hmmmm... a little extracurricular pharmaceutical sales?




Child pageants are almost exclusively Southern affairs, big in Texas and Oklahoma, and, well, anywhere Aquanet sales outpace groceries.  And speaking of expense, families routinely spend $20,000 or $40,000 or $65,000 to play this sport. Dresses are custom-made and cost thousands of dollars apiece. The one we associate most with pageants is called the "cupcake." This is for "beauty," the first and most important segment.

There are also swimwear, outfit of choice, western wear, fancy dress, and talent, depending on the pageant. Each one of these requires another 10 pounds of sequins.  Unless you're one inventive mother.  The little girl came out on the stage in a white robe with angel wings (so far so good), praying, then whipped off the robe and was wearing this:

"Photogenic" is another category in which parents submit highly retouched (read expensive) pix.

Entry fees are enormous, regularly in the three figures.  From what I can tell, entering each phase of the pageant requires additional entry fees.  It is clear that the organizers and dressmakers make a hell of a lot of money.




This is what is put on the girls:

• False eyelashes
• Fake nails (this is the specialty of one "pageant dad")
• Huge amounts of curlers
• Lots of hairspray
• Flippers (fake teeth so their missing ones won't mess up their smiles)
• Three outfits for each pageant, some of which regularly cost $2,000

This is what's done to the girls:

• Eyebrow waxing
• Spray tanning
• Manicuring
• Pedicuring
• Force-feeding of Pixie Stix, coffee, or "special juice"
• For the lucky few, facials

This is the cast of people to support the girls:

• Modeling coach
• Acting coach
• Dance teacher
• General coach (usually a sorta grown up pageant girl)
• Agent
• Hairdresser
• Makeup artist
• Photographer

Here's who goes to the pageants:

• Mom
• Some dads
• Aunts
• Grandmothers
• Brothers (yup)

This is what they do:

• Clap
• Point at their own smiley faces as a cue
• Do the routine silently so the girl can follow
• Hold up puppets or stuffed animals
• Go "whoooo" and "you go girl"
• Shout the kid's name 

Here's who else is in the audience:

• Nobody

Here's what's weird that the girls do on stage, but you get used to:

• Blow kisses, especially with one finger
• Cup their faces with their hands
• Twist one finger in their cheek
• Purse their lips
• Put their faces on hands like sleepy time

Here's what it costs to be a pageant girl:

• $65,000

This is what you can win:

• $500
• Trophy
• Rhinestone crown that is too big to wear

• Pearls dangling from tiny bra tops
• Booty pops
• "Pumping"(pelvis thrusts)
• Shimmying
• Stripping

You know how every woman who has plastic surgery says she wants / has gotten more confidence? That's exactly what pageant moms say about their girls.

By the way, this is Eden Wood: