Ditch Like A Man

7:15 PM | | Edit Post
It turns out that not only are there imaginary girlfriends, but the hot subject is how to dump them. On the other hand, imaginary boyfriend info is more likely to be about creating one, changing one, or using one. I guess the primeval urge to change a man extends to the imagination. Same with forgoing the pre-nup. Girls, girls.

WikiHow has an article about breaking up with one's imaginary girlfriend. She apparently has become a nuisance. "Whatever the case, the fantasy should come to an end." Huh? It's your fantasy. 

"Whether or not you're aware that she is imaginary, this is not a healthy lifestyle." Au contraire, Pierre. My imaginary boyfriend is perfect. He answers only to me. I do not want it to end. Ever.

If I think about my almost-real imaginary boyfriend, the suggested maneuvers would have been useful. I just got drunk and surprised myself. I had no plan, not even to do it at all. And it seems to me that I had actually been the dumpee, but that's the way I always deal with stuff. Leave before they leave you. Anyhow. Here is the proper way to do it, they say:

  1. 1
    Think about what you want to say ahead of time. You want to be gentle but firm, so imagine yourself speaking with grace and confidence. It's important not to waver or give in; the longer you drag things out the longer you'll have to wait before you can truly meet the girl of your dreams.
  2. 2
    Pick a specific time to break up and make sure you stick to the plan. As with severing real relationships, breaking up with your imaginary girlfriend might be a traumatic experience. She may become the focus of your thoughts and dreams, tempting you to re-initiate the imaginary relationship. Muster the courage to do it, once and for all.
  3. 3
    Be honest. This might require a little introspection on your part, but if you don't know why you're breaking up with your girlfriend then you shouldn't be dumping her anyway. If you're sick of living out the same old routine night after night, then this is an issue worth exploring. If you've suddenly developed a taste for other women, then mention that. If you're deathly afraid of spending the rest of your life with the girl of your dreams then just come out and say it. No matter how much you might want to avoid a scene, or how skewed your reasoning, just remember: sooner or later the truth will be revealed. And when it does, do you want to be caught in your own deception?
  4. 4
    Don't look back. It's tempting to imagine things will work out, but they won't. No matter how much you wish she were still around, she's just a memory of the past. You can't pretend that nothing happened. It's over, so move on.
Now here's where my real imaginary boyfriend comes in. 
  • Try to move on with your life. Just close your eyes and visualize yourself in your new life, happy with someone else. Before you know it you'll be living out your dreams.
  • It's often tempting to immediately tell all your friends about how you "totally dumped her" or whatever, but resist the temptation. Making a big deal about how cool you are or how you can do so much better always comes across as tasteless, classless bragging. It might be hard to believe, but it is possible for your friends to think less of you than they do now.
I am moving on with my life with Brad. I have told no one that I could do better than almost-real imaginary boyfriend. In fact, I think I could do a whole lot worse. I also want him back.


WARNING:

Be absolutely sure that you want to go through with this. Once you break up with a girl it's over; there's no turning back. You might think that you can just conjure up some other hot babe, but that's living in a fantasy world.
I guess almost-real imaginary boyfriend was truly a fig newton of my imagination. At least I didn't hacksaw his ass.