Woody & My IBF

So I hit the road, exhausted and hun-ger-ee. What the hell. I kept on driving and driving and driving, I guess toward Charleston (no, not South Carolina, I'm not that crazy). It was still snowing and getting dark. I don't like driving in the dark in a modern car, and certainly not in Woody who has headlights that illuminate about five feet in front of him and certainly are not Xenon. Besides, I'd never driven Woody at night at all. And I kept on forgetting to grab a box of Girl Scout cookies from the back. I was getting woozy.

The little triangle window that doesn't work because I broke the handle off at Pasquale's a week or so ago kept on opening. The air was c-o-l-d, and getting colder as the sun went down. I kept on forgetting that I needed to push the little latch to hold it in. Have you every practiced fine motor skills in quilted gloves? I think not. I had to lean on it with my left hand, but it got very, very cold and I said the hell with it. Also, you can't scratch or pick your nose (I read somewhere that we all pick about 5 times an hour, so don't get so high and mighty about it). Furthermore, touch screens are impossible. Scratch GPS, iPhone and boombox, not that the latter was working anyhow. XM is the devil's work.

After driving a few hours, I knew that I just had to stop somewhere for the night as I was fucking freezing. I mean can't feel your fingers freezing. I had only been that cold one time, sleeping in the crater at Uhuru (look it up). I caved. I looked at the signs for Best Westerns, for Motel 6s, for any of the lower echelons of chains, usually appended by Suites or Express. Sometimes Courtyard. There was one of those interchanges with a road to East Jabip and all the fast food you can think of, so I figured I'd give it a try. I went to three different places, none of which would let Woody sojourn under the entrance canopy as to keep out of the snow. I don't mind digging him out, but he has no windshield defroster and it certainly wasn't going to get warm enough in the passenger compartment to melt and residual ice. The young adults stuffing some unidentified fast food into their mouths all said they would have to consult with their manager. One came back saying that if they let me do that, all the other guests would complain about not keeping their cars there. Uh, I didn't see a parking lot full of 70 year old cars. One said it was a safety hazard. Of course the big black pickup that belonged to the clerk wasn't a safety hazard. Besides, that hotel smelled like airplane food, if you can remember that aroma from before they stopped serving food. All of these managers were being reached by cellphone. I think they were in India.

I got back on the highway, I-something-or-other (I really, truly do not remember which). Ten minutes later, there was a vision on top of the hillside. Bob Evans. 

Now, I wouldn't want to go to any chain place, hotel or foodwise, until hell froze over. I was in hell, and I was freezing. I have never been so happy to see red leatherette. The waitress was charming, immediately asking if I wanted some hot tea. I ordered chicken which wouldn't be ready for 35 minutes, if I cared to wait. I was defrosting. It could take 35 days and I'd probably still be defrosting. Besides, they have wifi. Can't say the same for Aunt Patsy's. In the meantime she brought me biscuits. They were really good biscuits, light and fluffy and baked on butter. I just kept telling myself that some nice southern nanny was making them in the back, and I had no fear of mass production. My chicken came with mac & cheese and sweet potato fries. All yummy except the barbecue sauce which I'm sure was 90 percent high fructose corn syrup and 10 percent ketchup. Probably Hunt's. I prefer Heinz.

I was then directed to the brand spankin' new Holiday Inn Express across the highway bridge. It had the nicest, politest clerk, except there was something off about him. Rather obsequious. Probably a serial killer. He told me to park in the back of the building. The only place with no lighting. I parked on the side.

Benadryls that I could barely study for my Edible Plants class that is required subject (I study horticulture at Longwood Gardens). Turns out that I had an allergic reaction to some esophogas anti-erosion stuff my gastroenterologist (didn't they used to call these guys proctologists?) prescribed. Even he had no idea. I asked my pharmacist what could be causing it. She knew right away. This was at CVS.

Anyhow, I took the longest hot shower ever, put heavy socks on and turned up the heat. Note to self: chain hotels have individual thermostat controls. B&Bs do not.

There were no plastic cups, just styrofoam. I hate styrofoam. I'd rather drink from the faucet. The cups said:

Smart Roast  (TM)

Caution: Hot!

The back said:

Smart Road (TM) + Staying at Holiday Inn Express (R)= dangerously high intellect.

 Please use with caution.

I stole the cup.