Woody & My IBF

Damn people in the room next door will not get up to turn off alarm clock. Finally stops. And starts again after a little. Tired and pissed. Look out window. Actually back up beeps on construction equipment. Time to rise anyway. Find out that after driving for days I could have gone through Pittsburg and gotten here in about 7 hours.

Determined to finally get to New Martinsville. For whatever reason I keep on calling it Jenkensville and then can't remember the right name even when I do that ABC thing in my mind. Road to Jenkensville is another curvy West Virginia nightmare but with only medium grades so this is an improvement. Have to pee so look for gas station in this god forsaken country. No rest room. Mean lady. First mean gas station lady on trip. Or ever as far as I can remember. She isn't sure if they have a rest room in Wallace which is four miles down the road. Pass Wallace. No gas station. No nothin'. Begin to see an enormous amount of huge construction equipment. Usually will stop to ask about it and if I can sit in it but I just can't figure out this bizarre location of equipment in the middle of nowhere. I can't tell that there is any actual construction going on in West Virginia and I don't know how people make a living here. Lots of log trucks and a pile of 6 by 6es. It is a sawmill. I really want to stop because I have never been in a sawmill before but passed because this is West Virginia and I bet OSHA doesn't visit very often. Drive drive drive. Ahead on the creek bank is a sorta refinery thing sprung up like a mushroom. It looks like the wallboard places in Canada. I guess this is where they do construction but I can't see anything being constructed. No signs. Then a tiny one. Dominion Refracting Plant. I am not sure who Dominion is but I think it has to do with petroleum. I'm not sure what a refracting plant is. And then it hits me. This is fracking. This must be the Marcellus Shale where natural gas comes from and wants to put a pipeline across the street from me and maybe even a fracking place with holding pond so they can pretend they are protecting the environment when we all know the water will actually be combustible like in that documentary. I can't believe this is what the operation looks like. I am scared. Look it up. Dominion is indeed Dominion Gas and this is what it is going to do: Export Marcellus Shale Gas While Caiming Its Necessity for U.S. Energy Security. No wonder the West Virginians exhibit so much dispair. Signs in front of shanties and crumbling mobile homes:

Dominion

Build Here

Hire Here

Ta-da! New Jenkenstown, uh, New Martinsville. Stop for potty break and directions. They let you do this without buying gas in New Martinsville. Plus they have Hostess Pies in the wax paper. Must resist as getting closer to Quinet's. Quinet's is the place I was looking for in February when I got lost somewhere in Appalachia for the whole day with no gas. Very nice man tells me to go by Witchy's and turn left. O-kaaay. Find out that Witchy's is really Wichey's and looks to be a general or furniture store. Pull up in front of Quinet's. Just at noon for lunch. Appears to be closed. Fuck. This is the second time in two days in West Virginia that the restaurant of my destination is closed. And New Martinsville is not on the way to anywhere. Pull up in front anyhow. Decide to pull on door just in case. The door opens. Hold breath. Tables empty. I'm pretty sure they're just doing some maintenance so am not sure if I should walk in or not. Having nothing to lose, walk in. They are open! Turns out that 12:15 is really the hot time and I am just early. Seat myself because that's what I think you do. This place is huuuuuuge. Guessing the entire town comes here for lunch. The Rotary meets next door so that is a help. Order sweet tea and, duh, the buffet.

They buffet is also huuuuuge. I have never seen so many things at a buffet. It winds around five different places and I assumed each one has the same stuff. It does not. Read that stuffed cabbage is really good as are the homemade noodles. Opt for neither. Had to have the pineapple sauced ham loaf. The buffet does not have labels but I also read about the ham loaf and sought it out. It was with the meatloaf which also looked really really good. I have never had ham loaf. It is the inspiration for Spam. It is very good. This is my plate. I have limas and carrots and baked beans the former and latter being good things on the Four Day Body eating plan. Also have mashed potatoes and pulled pork with onions in it. Everything is sublime. The potatoes seem to be made from the homemade soft white dinner rolls and just about float off the plate. I have never had cornbreat that will also float off the plate. Limas okay. 

Now here's the kicker: there are four dessert buffets. Ice cream. Case after case after case of cookies. Puddings. Banana. Chocolate. More. Cakes. Pies. I love pie. This is my plate of pie but it doesn't do any justice to Quinet's pies. Clockwise from top to bottom are banana cream, lemon merengue and apple. The white stuff is kinda like homemade Cool Whip but with real cream and eggs. Sublime. Finished meal. This is an arguement for bulimia or the ancient Roman vomitorium. So you can eat more. May never eat again. Check out at front register. Find out that this is the third generation of Quinets to own the place. Thier portrais are on the wall. The cashier gives me a magnet while I stare at the sticky buns. This is the sticky buns. Should bought a t-shirt that is for a track team fund raiser and says Fueled By Quinet's. By the way, there was also an old guy whose t-shirt said Stop Forrest Stop. 

Roll out to Woody and take inordinate amount of time deciding where to go next. Somewhere in Ohio. Drive drive drive. Finally get to Parkersburg West Virginia which is where I was headed in the wrong direction with no hotels last night but it is on the way to Ohio. Right before it is big sign: Fastest Way Across River. Count me in. The 50 cent toll was the best money I have ever spent because I landed in Ohio. Ohio is right across the Ohio River. Ohio is a whole nother place from West Virginia. Suddenly the dells are wider. The sun shines. The roads are cleaner. There are gas stations. The houses are painted with tidy lawns. And the people are nice. I really like Ohio. I will never go back to West Virginia. Ever.

Drive down beautiful riverside road with rest stops that are actually for resting on the riverbank as well as having toilets. Pass one and catch other old cars in parking lot. Press ah-ooga horn. Get a wave back. Shoulda stopped. This is why: the road goes back into West Virginia. It is another black hole. I look longingly back to Ohio. It appears there is a road back there but I can't tell by the map. The map is in cahoots with West Virginia. This is where the Jerry Garcia part comes in. I am on the dark side of the moon. Light side, dark side, light side, dark side, light side, dark side. My head is swimming. Break the force field. Get on other side of river to Ohio. The roads are multilane and very well maintained but are still in the middle of nowhere. This is nice but there are no Visitor's Centers and I have no idea where to go. Stop at Rest Stop. It is very small. No Visitor's Center. No brochures. Enjoying the daylight and decide to find a B&B so I can work outside perhaps on a cafe table in a beautiful garden. Decide that a good destination would be Chilicothe or something. I still can't pronounce it. Check b&bonline and tripadvisor. Good B&Bs! Who woulda thunk it. Call what appears to be a very nice place, the Atwood House. Completely full because it is the Pumpkin Festival in Circleville. Pumpkin Festival! It is really called the Pumpkin Show. Try other two recommended B&B's but they don't answer the phone so they probably don't have room either plus I can't ask for a return call because I am driving. Check for hotels in Circleville just in case. Holiday Inn Express! Quick make reservation as I forgot it is Saturday night and I usually call ahead on the weekends. Drive to Circleville.

Check into HIE and find orange schedule of events. I have missed everything. The hog calling for 17 and over was 15 minutes ago. If I had skipped the useless rest stop I coulda gone to the hog calling. Checked website. I also missed the little girl pageants. But they weren't high glitz which was a relief because the girls were very wholesome as would be the case in Ohio. but a disappointment nonetheless. Also missed the big girl pageant. This is the little girl winners and this is the big girl winners. Nice desk girls say that no I have not missed everything that it goes on all night especially tonight because it is Saturday and the last day of the Show. I should not try to drive there because there is no parking. I should call a cab and have them take me there. It is only $8 and the girl writes down the number on a sticky note. Check in really, really, really fast and plug in jump pack. Immediately call cab. Will be there in 10-15 minutes. I will wait in lobby.

Peruse Pumpkin Show schedule. This is what else I missed:

• Pet Training Dem
• Circleville High School Cheerleaders
• Gourd Painting
• Knitting
• Wreath Making
• Egg Toss Competition
• Big Wheel Race
• Irish Dancing
• Rug Hooking
• Crocheting With Beads
• Teays River Cloggers
• Pumpkin Pie Eating Contest
• Chair Caning

Notice red SUV in porte cochere (can you say that about a Holiday Inn Express). It is my taxi. I get in the front with a really nice girl named Crystal (or Krystal or Cristal or whatever). She is very glad I got her number because they are new and there will be a lot of opportunity working the Pumpkin Show. Crystal lets me off and will pick me up right here no matter how late it is. Give her $10 and keep the change. 

This post will now be divided into a bunch of other posts because there are a lot of pictures.