Woody & My IBF

This is MaKenzie's Ni-Ni. She still sucks on it. I think she's like 23 now. Have you heard about those mothers who breast feed until their sons (usually) are about eight? There really are some of those. It has been said that a child that can ask for it shouldn't be sucking on it. I agree. Same with Ni-Ni. My kid never used a pacifier. Never had a bottle either. Went straight from boob to sippy cup at the appropriate 1 year mark. He weaned himself. I put cabbage leaves in my bra. Read somewhere that cabbage leaves help with the swelling while you get used to not having the kid latched on. Didn't work and it smelled awful. I bet Mackenzie's mom didn't use cabbage leaves. Probably a powder puff. Those pageant moms aren't stupid. Ugly yes, stupid no.

Mickie Wood says Eden is way more than a pageant superstar. Eden is signing her book, From Cradle To Crown. Just made her first music video and will tour "just like Tiffany". Meanwhile, MaKenzie's new flipper (i.e., fake teeth) has come. Her bite is "difficult" says her dentist, "like she has sucked her pacifier for too many years." Uh, yeah. Told ya so. But wait! MaKenzie has given up her Ni-Ni.! "Ni-Ni was a hard working lady but now she's retired," she said. MaKenzie doesn't want her flipper even though she said she did because she didn't know she would "look like a bun-un-ny." 

Eden and Mickey Wood slam into the strip mall concrete bumper in their Corvette. They are there for a cucumber facial. Mickey waits this one out. "It's all about you, sister."

Eden and MaKenzie have competed before. Eden won. She was Ultimate Grand Supreme. There are a lot of superlatives in this business. 

MaKenzie has a manager now and will go to Hollywood. Mom doesn't know what to think of this. MaKenzie and Eden are going to be on Entertainment Tonight together. Eden will be performing original songs on Hollywood Boulevard, "one of which mom wrote," according to mom. They will make the most of the trip and "who knows? Maybe the next trip will be to buy a house." "OMG! Eden's in Hollywood!"Mickey Wood speaks with a lot of italics and bold. "She really is going to be someone."Mickey and Eden will "bump Charlie Sheen off of the airwaves." Meanwhile, MaKenzie's agent is having her see an acting coach. Note that all of these activities are being done in full pageant getup. Looks kinda weird to me. Especially with the worn athletic jacket over the pink sparkles and feathers. Acting coach assessing ability. She is incredible, phenomenal. Mom is nervous because they never pushed for this. MaKenzie "doesn't know how to act, I just know how to be MaKenzie." Eden's career will be "whatever Eden wants to and mama's going to be right here pushin' her." She puts in a little dig at MaKenzie by saying that Eden is already established. Now MaKenzie wants to know if they can do the "fun stuff." Eden has "worked her booty off and we are going after that Grand Su-Preme title." We.

It's time for the big one. "Are the judges going after personality and baby doll or polished professional?" Winner is getting a princess canopy bed and $1000. MacKenzie is a "pop phenomenon." MaKenzie throws temper tantrums. Eden throws temper tantrums. Mickey wants Eden to "look like a piece of cotton candy that they can just take a bite of." It is very hard to stick to my promises to not talk about pervs. Red Bulls abound. When Eden talks about how she hates hairspray, her facial expressions look frighteningly like her mother. Eden is shameless in saying she has a secret weapon for MacKenzie-- a pacifier with two big buck teeth. I'm guessing this wasn't originally Eden's idea. MaKenzie says "I can wear this for church," when she has her backless pink feather and sparkle dress on. Eden's outfits were shipped and didn't come. This is an 80's pageant and Eden has no 80's wear. There is an awful lot of pink at this pageant. Mickey has pink glasses and pink eyeshadow.  I hope everyone doesn't have breast cancer. Eden's pink 80's wear arrives. MaKenzie has "no idea what the 80's are." After next temper tantrum MaKenzie wants to know why she "can't ever be by myself." She does not show for 80's wear. Wait, she does show, massively late. She will get a point off by every single judge. She is not wearing her flipper but does have an awful lot of personality. Mickey says "Eden is all over this 80's thing, she's gonna be off the hook." It is anybody's game. Eden is posing on the bed already.

MaKenzie's age group:

Most Beautiful: Not MaKenzie

Best Dressed: Not them

80's Winner: Not them

Future Winner: MaKenzie - it appears that this is code for didn't win anything

Eden's age group:

"Don't knock nobody out getting to the stage," says Mickey.

Most Beautiful: Eden

Best Dressed: Eden

80's Winner: Eden

Universal Royalty Queen: Not Eden - this is a good thing

"Please god, please god, please god," emotes Eden with that coached bereft face. "She really wants that princess bed."

Universal Grand Supreme: Eden - this is not a good thing, she did not win the princess bed

Ultimate Grand Supreme: Neither of them

Whining and crying all around. MaKenzie has never not won a crown. "Please don't cry, you're gonna make mommy cry." Eden's mascara is running. Mickey says "Eden's celebrity status, she's bigger than this, she's Eden Wood."

"My ideal day tomorrow will be miss ringy-ding, we'd like to sign Eden for a $2 million deal. Bye-bye teacher's job, hel-lo Hollywood." Guess who said that? 

Missed most of trailer for next week but heard "sexy little thing." Reserve right to comment on pervs again.

Extreme Couponing is next. Followed by My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding on Friday. It appears that the gypsy thing is a grown up T&T.