Woody & My IBF

It always seems that important news stuff comes in two areas not obviously related but very related if you think about it. This week we have Nobel Prizes and the death of Steve Jobs. It occurred to me that Steve Jobs is not a Nobel Laureate. In fact, he couldn't even qualify for one. This is the man who fundamentally changed the way we live and he's not as worthy as the guy who discovered quasicrystals and an explanation of what that guy actually did is buried by about 10 clicks on the website. I'm sure that in the future my disdain for quasicrystals will be proven wrong but for my money I'd have Steve Jobs as a winner. Here's the rub. Nobel Prizes are awarded for the following:

• Physics
• Chemistry
• Medicine
• Literature
• Peace 

Plus, a Prize (not a Nobel Prize) is given for Economic Science. I think this is the one that rewards white men for figuring out how to "redistribute" wealth on the basis of theories secretly passed around during cocktail hour. Anyhow, there is no Nobel Prize for changing the lives of, well, pretty much everybody. You know, you can post your greetings to the winners on the website. Hel-lo.

I don't get it. Why don't people get a flu shot? There is currently no shortage and there aren't any lines as far as I can tell in drugstores and supermarkets unless you try to get one at my CVS which is too busy and the pharmacist is working at the front and Ben isn't qualified so you (what should we say?) should make an appointment. Went to Giant and had shot while watching Eagles Touchdown Sundae melt because it is on the hot chicken and I just remembered on the checkout line that I wanted a shot. The pharmacist checked if Blue Cross would pay (which it wouldn't which I think is pretty short-sighted of them unless they are depending on the Giant's free antibiotics program) and since they wouldn't he gave me the $5 discount that I should have gotten and probably did and threw out before I read it.

Back to the subject, I just don't understand why people don't get a flu shot. When you have the flu you will be begging me for a $25 cure. And you will get it. The flu that is. I'll throw you a can of chicken soup. Now, I have a particular problem with Ron the Hun. He is a trainer. In a gym. Where a gazillion people touch their germy faces and then the dumbbells. Ron the Hun is a sanitary kinda guy. He won't shower at the gym (the men's side doesn't have those great girls that mop the shower every time someone uses it). He wipes down the Abcore after my sweat is all over the black vinyl. In fact he disinfects everything I sweat on because he has good hygiene. This is not easy as I sweat like a pig. I was thinking what I could use as a better analogy. Sweat like a drug dealer on line with a narc? How does a pig sweat anyhow? I didn't think pigs sweat. Don't they roll around in the mud?

94 entries completed and not posted. I will get back to number 1, finish it, and finally post all the rest of those bad boys. And you thought I just forgot about you.

This is some stuff in Silver Star. The back thing says "Mine Fire Car". Which reminds me. Why do people put their names on all their stuff?Like their boats, their houses, their cars and even their airplanes? In the Big Fork parade, one of our Tourists put ads up for his development. Monograms I pretty much get because you have to make sure you get the right shirts back from the Chinese laundry, but what the fuck is with all these names? Must be Donald Trump corrupting the taste of America.

I have been running into tons of trailers potentially for Woody. As you know, I am taken by MaryJanes Farm's teardrop. Love, love, love it. Vintage aluminum trailers of any variety are often called canned hams. You remember canned hams, don't you? Those were the ones with the red and white printed pictures of a luscious pineapple-topped holiday ham. We didn't get the fancy real ones then. Canned was a delicacy of its own. I think they were expensive. If you remember them, you remember the shape. Get it? Teardrops are called teardrops because, well you know. Teardrops may be a subcategory of canned hams if they are aluminum.

Then I went to Canada and was introduced to "the egg." Egg is the generic term for fiberglass trailers made roughly between 1965 and 1975. They are 13' or 16' long and you can stand up in them. You cannot stand up in a teardrop. The eggs in question are Bolers. They weight under 900 pounds (for the 13') and have a cult following. There are bunk beds and a dinette into a bed thing and a refrigerator and the kitchen is inside. This is a Boler. This is a Boler too. I will not tell you where they are for sale as I may buy one or the other. My fellow Tourist is having hers painted purple and silver to match her car. She will use it for car shows where you need a place to sit down. She will not be traveling in it, I think. Woody will be able to tow a Boler but it is much less aerodynamic than a teardrop and will probably be more of a burden.


Passing through Big Fork, Montana, visited Ford V-8 Flathead Museum (!). Original teardrop trailer!

I have never seen one before. MaryJanes looks just like it but prettier because it is new and was designed by a cool girl. Plus, MaryJane will give you backup lessons and a free book and I think MaryJane is groovy. Sat and pondered original trailer. Very similar. Should I look for an old one? Or should I just jump aboard MaryJane's train? Hmmm. I do know that the old one has a kind of tent that shelters your kitchen in the rain and also lets you dress standing up. I need to get one of these. I wonder if MaryJane knows about those. I'll have to get her one.


Here's another old trailer which is wood which is good for Woody. But it's kinda awkward and probably heavy.

Now getting to the important stuff: stuff to do. I love the Boler because they have Bolerama. I could go to Bolerama and check out all the cool Bolers to buy. And I hear it is a drunken love fest. Check out the names of the meets: Prairie Egg Gathering, Fourth Annual Alberta Omelette, Scrambled Egg Meet.

But there are also things for teardrops and for vintage trailers in general. Boy, is there a lot to do.

Check this one out: Sisters On The Fly. "We have more fun than anyone." Count me in! You can win merit badges. Really. I was a fabulous Girl Scout. Since I was tiny and had a whole lot of badges, they went up the back of my sash too. I think I still have it. I have earned Potty Outside Badge already. My honeymoon with SEAL was kayaking and primitive camping in the Exumas. You had to bring your own fresh water and no showers until the end of the week. That salt crust sure was sexy. Don't think marriage was consummated that week. I was a city girl and could not, would not pee outside. SEAL gave me a shovel and pointed out the nice view behind the boulders. Had to learn or face monumental bladder infection without even a glass of cranberry juice. Also have Purple Heart Badge. See Ron The Hun. Want to earn The Cowgirl Prom Badge. And I can do this regardless of my choice in trailers. Also Tin Can Tourists, although I'm not quite sure if they would let a Boler in, even if it's vintage. How about Teardrops Travel? But hold on a second pardner. Bolerama. Canadian beer. Think about it.

I have been repeatedly asked who Millard Newman is. This is because all our car banners read Spirit of Millard Newman Tour. Millard started these badboys. They were the Transcontinental Reliability Tours, restricted to brass cars. A brass car is pre-WWI (1914). Usually five weeks, the tours followed such routes as San Francisco to Philadelphia (for the bicentennial), Portland to Portland (Oregon to Maine), Key West to Halifax and eventually New York to New York via Great Britain on the QEII. Millard and his wife Maggie always drove Putt-Putt, a bright red 1911 Rolls Royce Silver Ghost with copious amounts of brass. Millard was known for his sporting leather aviator helmet worn by early motorists and occasional dust coat. In those days, the fifty cars that traveled we of all varieties, including Turcat-Mery, Thomas Flyer, Ford, Locomobile, Peugot, Pierce Arrow,Winton and so on. There was a point system. You received a perfect score if you made the checkpoint for the day. In theory this is easy. There is plenty of time to make it, even in old cars. However, there is a reason for the Reliability part of Reliability Tour. It was not a question of if there were going to be problems, but when. You were penalized for every 100 ft. you were pushed, pulled or towed. There were many, many penalties. The whole idea of reliability was to see if you could make your car go, and if  not fix it yourself. Tourists were very helpful toward each other given that it often took more than one hand and more than one head to figure out the solution. There was much meeting of the locals, particularly in tire stores, machine shops, forges (yes, forges) and so on.

I began Transcons in 1978 on Key West to Halifax. We drove a 1904 Mercedes, the oldest in the group. You got points for every year older than 1914 your car was. The Mercedes was chain-driven and you got a lap full of motor oil if you sat in the front seat. We broke down many times. My sister was massively burned on the exhaust system during the parade in Disney World. She still has the scars. We did not finish. In those days, many cars did not finish. They were towed home. In another Tour, we we running downhill at a 10 percent grade or something when the brass gearshift lever broke clean off. Compression brakes are not reliable. At all. They were never meant to be. You downshifted to go at an appropriate rate downhill. We had just passed the truck run off area. A truck run off area is a flat spot with gravel on the bottom that slows and hopefully stops the truck, or in our case, the car. It would have been helpful. At the bottom of the red sand hill was a stop sign at a tee. It was a good thing that across the intersection was a salt lake. Dry.

A few Tours, we had a pack of teenagers running wild. I have fond memories of Pat O'Briens in New Orleans, drinking underage. Loaning my hotel room to a young couple. Buying a blender at a K-Mart along the way when we hijacked a Thomas Flyer. Jumping into ponds from huge cliffs. Young love that lasted several tours and burned out as we became young adults. The guy who drove the entire thing on a learner's permit. He turned sixteen on that tour. I still have the picture of him in front of the burning candles on his cake. As time went on and we all had our own lives, the tours became older. And everyone figured out that Rolls Royces were the most reliable and thus the fun was taken out of the deal. Everyone is over 60 now (except me and one couple with teenaged children), and most over 70. Maggie Newman continues to drive Putt-Putt on her own. This year, the Transcontinental has been revived, but the Reliability has been removed.

A brief word about Millard. The late Mr. Newman was a Tampa-based cigar manufacturer and antique car hauler. I'm not sure about the cigars. I know absolutely nothing else about him except his enthusiasm, big smiles and occasional crotchityness.
Looked it up. Here's stuff about Millard. Also the list of Transcons.

 This is Alicia. Alicia works in the world's best breakfast place that Herb works at during the evening. She was very busy and couldn't talk much. The breakfast was very good. This is mango and coconut french toast. The eggs were the first edible ones of The Tour. Herb came in as we finished and we busted his chops about being late. He will lose his job. Big deal, said Herb, I have two other ones. He does. Herb is a go-getter. He also said he would cook us strudel and it would be very good. I bet it would. Too bad we are leaving today.

This is Todd and Carrie. They were looking at the car. I had a nice conversation with them that covered interesting things, but I can't for the life of me remember about what. I think it had something to do about vacation.





This is what it looks like to ride in the back seat up to the park gate. This is what it looks like to ride in the back seat looking at a burn area. This is what it looks like to... Oh, heck, when you ride in the back seat it all looks the same. We went up 5400 feet. That is high and cold. I am not good enough to drive on an 11% grade as I cannot downshift yet. Thus the back seat.



This is the park pass collector's place. It has an address. Have you ever seen a toll booth with an address? Me neither. Must be a Canadian thing. This is Marti (or Marty or Mardi). She works in 5085 and gives us a group rate on our passes.










It is fucking cold. It has been fucking cold for days. I am wearing a shirt, a sweater, a windbreaker, a quilted jacket and a parka, all at once, in that order. Also a ski cap and gloves. I am fucking, fucking, fucking cold. Have I mentioned it's cold? Here are Bob and Bev. They are in shorts. A Tour passenger (not me-- I have on way more clothes) is on the right. Obviously, Bob and Bev are not cold. They do not ride in a Rolls Royce. This is Jack and Jack. No, they say. They are Ray and Ray. I don't know where I got Jack. Jack wants to know if we have a reverse spark. We do. You can make the car go backwards. Yes we can. Cool.

These are two teenagers who are on their billionth tour and really don't want to be here but their parents made them and when they grow up they will understand why this is great. I love her RR cap. Note ski cap liner and multiple jackets. He is crazy and doesn't wear much but then complains and hides under the tonneau cover. I have been known to do that. It hailed again.



 This is a corner of The Chateaux at Lake Louise. They are not very nice here and do not respect the cars. Several of us got parking spaces up front but then the valet Nazis decided that they could only do so much for the group. They got 4 in and need the rest because they have 15 rental cars coming in. I don't think they understand that there is roughly $18 million trying to park. I asked them to valet it, just like at Biltmore. Just like at Biltmore they said they couldn't. Why not? Oh, just nevermind. We were directed to park in the garage. One of us is over 8 feet tall. Didja ever see a parking garage with 9 foot clearance? Me neither. This is an asshole.

Came to the Chateaux to have lunch overlooking Lake Louise. Nine in our group. We offered to split into two groups. It would be a long time, a very long time and wouldn't take our names. Hmmm... I guess this is a Teutonic establishment, secretly funded by Porsche, Mercedes, BMW and Audi, and plotting against the wild Rolls Royce. We had lunch anyhow, not at the nice place, but in the basement. This is the view to the lake. Not too bad, but we came for the big view.





This is Christine and this is Godfrey. I think that is his English name like they have on the help lines in India. It seems that a lot of Japanese tourists come to fancy hotels in Canada. When asked whether to have the chowder or the special soup, Godfrey said well, the latter is special. It was funny. One of the lunchers said that at the gas station they were asked where they could rent one of these (the Rolls). Seriously. Oh, and no free Internet. Only in expensive hotels do you have to pay for Internet.


After lunch we sought out the elusive Qiviuk. What the heck is that? A qiviuk is a musk ox. It lives in northern Canada and is 8 times lighter and warmer than cashmere. Its fur that is. And a lot of Japanese people buy it. In fact, the two shopkeepers we met spoke very little English. This is Daichi. I love Daichi. We had the usual credit card problems when I was trying to buy a very lovely qiviuk sweater. Tried three cards. Daichi gave me an 8% discount. So sorry for inconvenience. Daichi understands why I need a warm sweater as he has gone all over Japan by motorbike. Still working on credit cards. Daichi gives me 10% discount. So sorry for inconvenience. When I asked to take Daichi's picture, he said just like Japanese movie star.


Back on road perusing signs. One of those big lettered light up portable signs: Avalanche. Well didn't see an avalanche, but did see Blasting Area No Stopping sign. In the middle of these gorgeous mountains that we haven't left all day, there is a plant of some kind. Baymor. Then LaFarge. Then Greymont. And a Class III Landfill. Then an Improvement District. Yes, you need some. Note to self: see what plants make. Looks like strip mining.


Go over Texas Gate. I have to postulate what a Texas Gate is but it is metal slats with nothing beneath it. I think it is to keep cattle from crossing. This would make sense because we are going into Rafter Six Ranch. Sign: Chipmunk Crossing. Slow. I get my shotgun out on chipmunks. Steal all the bird food and undermine massively old trees doing untold damage. I assume Chipmunk Crossing Slow means to go slow to aim your wheels properly and not spook the things until it is too late.

The Rafter Six Ranch is a dude ranch. I have spent many summers in a similar place in Colorado. I like it. However, Rolls Royce drivers do not. We are staying for two nights. Get to assigned cabin which turns out to be pretty historic. Two bedrooms and one bath. Daddyo cannot share a bathroom with his wife and he sure as hell isn't gonna share a tiny one with two of us. Race back to reception before they see this. Get last room in lodge which has been vacated by someone who didn't like it. It is fine although up three flights of very steep steps. Fancy Couple checks out early and goes somewhere we know not. There are rumors about the precarious financial situation of Fancy Couple but they are still putting on the Ritz (or the Chateaux or whatever). They have had to put their plane on lease through Delta. Friends next to me have no hot water. I say it is part of the experience although I am waiting to wash my hair until civilization.

Go to bar. This is Joanne the bartender. Joanne the says that we will have her waiting on us (all 50 of us) because they have a wedding. A small one, 100 guests. The other two waitresses will do that. Last week they did one for 260. About half are from France. Go figure. I suppose it's like us wanting to get married in sight of the Eiffel Tower or something. Drink and read Rocky Mountain Outlook newspaper:

Canmor to cull bunnies
Banff agrees to fund seniors' housing
Several Bow Valley wildlife photographers are mad as hell and they're not going to just take pictures anymore.





Stan visits with us. He is Stan Crowley who owns the joint but I had to pry that out of him. Stan tells us about the white buffalo. He is four years old, from the Dakotas, and a true white buffalo, not an albino. Stan says white buffalos are one in 1 to 5 million. I looked it up on the Bison Association or something website and they say 10 million and they should know. The buffalo has dark eyes and he is in quarantine behind the corral after a couple of months in quarantine in Nebraska. The official animal guys came to the Rafter Six to get rid of the lambs and goats at the petting zoo and spray the place with lots of stuff. The white buffalo is sacred to the Indians. Stan says that everyone of his generation (white and red alike) say Indians. The next generation says First Nations. Now they say Aboriginals. Anyhow, all the tribes in the U.S. have done ceremonies with the buffalo which I think is named White Spirit. Also looked him up. No mention. Must be on the down low for the Indians. As each tribe does its rituals, it ties a flag up.



Time for wagon rides. Not everybody fits in so I decide to wait for next go around. First passenger said it was a tour of the place and not worth it. Didn't go. Later wish I had because I like to know the history of places. Decided to see white buffalo instead. Walked around and around and way behind the corral like he said but no luck. Waited for something, I forget what. Someone, I think it was Stan, said to go straight through the corral and the horses are friendly as long as you keep talking.

Decide to give it a go. Open gate. Step in between about 25 horses. Keep talking. Do great. Am confident. Very very large horse taking interest. I know how to approach a horse because I went to yet another dude ranch and the horse whisperer told me. Big horse is happy I know this. Horse breathes heavily and literally took a little of my shirt up his nose. Get to other side and ta-da! White buffalo. Unfortunately, white buffalo is not very interesting. He will be let go with a younger bull and three cows (I think you call them cows and not buffalettes). Life of Reilly and he knows it.



We are only to take pictures of white buffalo for our personal use and not for commercial purposes. I hope that I am not violating any sacred stuff by posting here. As the fourth white buffalo signifies the end of the earth in an Indian traditional story, I would not want to be responsible for Armegeddon. The flags are sort of Nepal prayer flags. I'm amazed by the similarity of traditions around the world. The most bizarre stuff is happening in this post. It is very, very difficult to size the photos. They keep on coming up big. Gotta take this white buffalo stuff seriously.






This is a guy on The Tour. He is rocking the western stuff. This is just before dinner. We have BBQ steak and the best beans ever. Ever ever.

Depleted my store of FiberOne bars which were the good kind before they put enough sugar in them to put you into a diabetic coma. I know about FiberOne from Bob Greene's Best Life Diet. Bob Greene is Oprah's diet guy. He is the one responsible for that episode of the Oprah show where Oprah pushes in a shopping cart full of lard in the amount equivalent to her weight loss. It was impressive. It was real. It was real because she put it all back on again. I like Bob Greene. I like the Best Life Diet. I lost 32 pounds and kept 20 off until I started working with Ron The Hun and it got to be more like 10. The gain was muscle. Honest. I can make small children cry with displays of my awesome strength. Anyhow, depleted supply of FiberOne bars because I slept exactly 17 hours and 20 minutes today, 12 hours last night and a nice healthy 5 hour and 20 minute nap this afternoon. Missed breakfast and dinner.

The Bighorn Sheep Meadows or something is a really nice place. I had hoped to spend time sitting on my patio looking out on the Rocky Mountains. It also has a great sofa which I spent a lot of time on. What I did do is go to the Radium Hot Springs. Again, I am concerned about this radium stuff. And now I have to immerse myself in it. However, I have been to many places with hot springs and I always wanted to go but didn't know the etiquette and that usually gets in the way of my doing cool things. Car requires maintenance as usual. That is why we have two day stopovers. It appears we have a dirty oil filter. Good thing we packed spares in the trunk. We have a trunk trunk not a trunk where you put your groceries and the English call a boot. The spare oil filters from the trunk trunk do not fit. It is not a good thing we packed spares. Figure out work around. The Ghost has a glass oil gauge underneath the engine that you have to crouch down to see. Really crouch down and put your head sorta sideways. Still have oil which is very dirty but the car starts. Maybe this is Woody's problem? Note to self: change Woody's oil filter. I don't remember seeing Woody's oil filter so this is either the problem or the problem is that I don't know what parts are on the Woody. Just in case, drive with friend to hot springs.

The hot springs are in a national park. You do not have to buy the park pass to get in because it is only 2 kilometers. That is a mile kinda. I wonder what would happen if you kept on going into the rest of the park without a park pass. Maybe the sheep would rat you out. We saw some sheep. They are small and shedding and not very menacing. A big river shoots out from the hot springs building. I think it's hot but may just be a regular river next to the hot spring. Turns out that the hot springs are a swimming pool that is very warm. You go to a locker room where you change into your bathing suit just like at the gym. Then you get in the pool and don't swim. Someone said the water is 10 degrees warmer when it comes out but they cool it off so you won't get scalded. Wonder if that is Celsius or Fahrenheit? I'm still confused why they call it Celsius or Centigrade. Centigrade I get because there are 100 degrees at boiling. I guess Celsius is a tribute to a guy who had something to do with this. I'm probably right. Get into the pool. Really like it. I think it has minerals in it. It clears up my poison ivy in 20 minutes. Pretty potent minerals. Also smells like chlorine a little but not much. Get out. Refuse to go to cold pool. Shower and try to dry off under those hand dryer kind of things on the wall but can't figure out how to turn them on. Steal someone else's towel, dry and get dressed. Have pistachio ice cream before everyone else comes out so that no one else has one. I need to get lunch because it is 2 pm and I missed breakfast and the only way to get lunch is to make sure the driver is hungry.

Get flat tire. This happens a lot. Fix flat tire.

Hear from others on The Tour that golf course place has good food. Try to get driver to go there. Instead stop at first place that has an OPEN sign on it. Turns out pretty good. Got food in half an hour. This is really good. Forget to take pictures because stunned by speed. Buffalo burger with mushrooms and cheese and bacon. Buffalo has a lot less fat in it than beef. Fixed that with the cheese and bacon. Sweet potato fries really good. Waiter even better. This is Herb. Asked if place next door which is closed but is on the Recommended list of restaurants for this evening has good strudel. It does not. It is horrible, like brown bread. The best strudel is where we ate last night and didn't have dessert because it took too long. We have been chasing strudel like an addict chases his first high. In this case, our first high was at Frank's and Frank's strudel being made just like his mother made is a very high standard to meet. I never understood the chasing your first high before until I had dilaudid intravenously. Serious high. Tried dilaudid in pill form afterwards. Actually try a lot after I was released and still try on occasion. When you have cancer they give you all the opiates you want and I now have a big stash even five years later. Never as good as that first one by IV. I now understand users. I never did before. It feels sooooo good. Good thing I don't have any friends who are users because I would be in a gutter somewhere turning tricks with no teeth and collapsed veins between my toes. I just sleep a lot.

This is Herb. Herb has been a waiter almost everywhere in Radium. Ask for a breakfast recommendation as this morning's breakfast was no good. I don't know this personally because I slept through it. Herb points out window. Sign outside: Voted Number One Breakfast. After a good grilling, Herb agrees that the meal will come very quickly. They open at 8. We will not tell anyone about this place so that we get good service. Also, best strudel is in a town about 10 kilometers away. No one wants to go. Later hear that they went for dinner and the strudel was just okay. Frank's mother must be very popular.

See amazing place in Weird Homes show. I'm not sure if that is a Canadian program but I have never seen it. I want to go in. It is $3. But I am on A Tour and can't do what I want even though it has an arts and crafts store. You know me and my primitives. I bet this guy is awesome.

Awoke at 9 pm from nap and ate Nutrition pack of nuts from some airplane in the last 8 years for dinner (?).