Woody & My IBF

Got up very early to make very early dentist's appointment. This is because the dentist in is an actual town that is an hour and a half away. Had taken Ambien at 2 a.m. which was a really bad idea because now I am driving under the influence. Realize this when doing 5 mph under the speed limit and everyone knows you need to be going at least 10 miles an hour over the speed limit. Pickups stacked up behind me. Pull into Country School driveway to let pickups pass. BTW, I am also driving my pickup. That is what we drive around here. Get tooth fixed.

Being in an actual town meant that I might be able to find an actual BMW dealer somewhere not too far away. Looked it up on iPhone. I can never see anything on the iPhone because I can't see anyhow and the print is too small. Do you still say print? What are you supposed to call it? Font? I hate that. Anyway, went to dealer in other horsey area. Passed Starbucks with Beer Garden In Rear sign in front of it. Had oatmeal. If you haven't had Starbucks oatmeal you are missing an adequate substitute for nutrition in the face of 1000-calorie muffins or stale donuts at the airport. Found BMW dealer. Remember, I have already technically committed to buying the car in Salem, Oregon. No parking spaces for actual buyers of BMWs. Lady rummaging through trunk of crappy non-BMW as though getting her work stuff. She was. Finally parked half in the driveway. My truck is big. Tough shit. Pissy. Told salesman that they should have actual parking spaces for actual customers. Offered to park my truck for me.

Explained that I want Deep Ocean Blue with Driver Assistance. I do not want a white or black car. I do not want a black interior. Greg goes in dealer database and searches and sorts by just about everything. By Driver Assistance. By Imperial Blue. By Sahara. By whatever that cool green is called. He works very hard. This takes around an hour to do. His manager is very spiffy with a white handkerchief in his breast pocket. He could be a Soprano, but littler. Manager apoligizes for parking space then gives me a bad price on cars. He says he has is driving a Deep Ocean Blue with all the options and he really likes it. Sell me your car, I said. He did not. Greg finds the Deep Ocean Blue with Driver Assistance but it belongs to the dealer that has Justice selling at it. He worked with Justice for two years. Greg cannot get the car because the dealers are too close.

Greg gives me puppy dog close. I wanted to get in the graphite exterior and oyster/black interior because I have never done that and my Oregonian car is those colors. We got in car and I told Greg I know about puppy dog close and stroked the dashboard. He raised his eyebrows. I've been in business awhile, I say. I know that once you hold the puppy, you can't let it go. Decided I like Graphite and Oyster/Black. Learn that the black part is because the oyster won't get dirty if it isn't on the carpet. Makes sense to me. Still want Driver Assistance. Go home and hit internet again: eBay, Carmax, e-CarOne, Craig's List, Autotrader and any google search I can thing of. Two hours pass. Decide to call dealer somewhere else to see if he can get the Deep Sea Blue with Driver Assistance from Justice. Emailed Justice with offer. Justice's manager rejects it.

The best car deals are in Texas so I called BMW of Plano. My guy was very, very nice and looked up whatever I wanted. He says inventory is limited this year because they can get $3,000 more in China. I forgot about Chinese billionaires. You can also get more for BMWs in Europe than here. That explains why I can't find Deep Sea Blue with Driver Assist. Decide that if I didn't know Driver Assist was available, I wouldn't want it. It's like all those catalogs that come in the mail. You must throw them out instantly or you will find something you absolutely, positively must have or you will die. A painful, horrible death. When I get my mail, I turn the pile over so that I don't even see the catalog covers. It's like covering my eyes when I see a male dancer. As an aside, when my kid was about six, the doctor had to check his man parts. As the examination took place, son covered his eyes. See, if you toss the catalogs into recycling before someone checks your parts, the whole thing will be forgotten.

Got back on internet. Get back on phone. Wait, this one is better! No, that one is better! Wire here! Wire there! Wire to Ulan Bator! Still getting emails back from all the dealers I wrote in panic. Can't stand the pressure. Turn off computer. Wire money to Oregon. Glad that is over. Got call that documents will be overnighted. Remembered to tell Caleb to not ask for signature as I will probably be in the garden or somewhere and the delivery guys leave stuff on my kitchen counter unless they need a signature. If they need a signature and my neighbor 5 miles away isn't there, I have to drive an hour and a half to someplace in Delaware near the Amazon distribution center to get it. I usually don't.

Got email with BMW Credit Application which I have to fill out even though I am paying cash. They want my Social Security number. I do not like giving my Social Security number. Broke down and gave Social Security number but wrote disclaimers all over the document saying that they cannot use my Social Security number for anything and cannot call the credit places. Just calling the credit places ruins your credit. Hello, I am paying cash. They have to run it against a terrorist database. I don't know if they are serious. I think they are. This is scary. I am buying a car, not a shoulder-mounted missile. They also want me to sign their privacy  policy. This policy says it is okay for them to give any of the information they get from me to any one they can sell it to, including telemarketers. I think everyone signs this without reading it the way they sign the release form in the hospital which says don't blame them if they kill you or cut off the wrong leg or something. I write all over the policy and initial the cross-outs I made. They didn't seem to mind in Oregon. I bet they'll sell it anyhow. Small Claims Court here I come. Maybe it'll pay for my new car.

eBay sends me message about how they are sending me things like the ones that I looked at before. All cars. Run screaming and tearing out my hair. I will never buy another car. Unless I close my eyes.