10:56 PM |
I'm not sure what happened. My man-child is fragile. I have gotten strong. I adore him, I adore what I think he is, I adore the idea of him. He helped me get my groove back. I hadn't thought about men for years before he came into my life. I still have no interest in more appropriate men. It was safe for both of us, I think, to have the age difference, the geographic challenge. It worked as an almost-real imaginary relationship. And then I got closer to wanting a real relationship, and he was still imaginary.
After I behaved badly, and felt horrible about it, I felt an enormous sense of relief. It was so visceral, so real, that I'm sure I'll remember where I was when I felt that, like a certain song brings me back to a poignant time in my past. The calmness, I think, was the release of risk, the release of the uncertainty that comes with caring for someone. And I am sad.
After I behaved badly, and felt horrible about it, I felt an enormous sense of relief. It was so visceral, so real, that I'm sure I'll remember where I was when I felt that, like a certain song brings me back to a poignant time in my past. The calmness, I think, was the release of risk, the release of the uncertainty that comes with caring for someone. And I am sad.