10:36 PM |
On Thursday night, I discovered Glamour Belles on TV. After The Deadliest Catch and Toddlers and Tiaras, I think this is my new favorite reality show. Here is the trailer.
That's Paige, Joann's daughter, behind the tramp. Joann of Joann's Gowns, that is. "The destination dress shop in the South." In Union City TN! Note to self: find out how far away Union City is from Sewanee.
Paige is the show, in that Mae West fill-the-room kind of way. They showed two half-hour episodes back to back. I was in a trance watching the first one, but by the second one I was really paying attention. Somewhere in the opening sequence Paige tells one of her customers in a revealing dress that "I'm afraid I might see your cookie." Add cookie to woo-woo and ding-a-ling euphamisms.
There were a few customers that tickled me more than others. The first is one of those 8-ish year old pageant girls who is too old for cupcake dresses. Mom and Grandmom came in with a gold and white dress in a plastic bag. Grandmom tried to alter it, and they have the preliminary to Miss Strawberry Festival that evening. New dress for her. I bet Grandmom paid. I checked out the festival. More than 40,000 people attend. Among other things, they have a checker tournament, Christian concert, BBQ cooking contest, parades, recipe contest and a tractor show (!). The pageant is really Little Miss Territorial Revue. It's in Humboldt TN. In May. Nuts.
Then there was the girl going to the Miss Tennessee preliminary (they're really big on preliminaries here at Joann's). The contestant said "I need Paige to find me a dress that makes me look more mature, in a classy way." Paige says "We're not competin' in teen, were in the majors now." Our girl needs to look like a woman. That's her in the video above. She trusts the proprietress because "Paige just herself has really good style." Paige looks like an olive on toothpick legs. She wears black and a blond ponytail. Come to think of it, they make the salespeople at Neiman's wear black so I guess that's okay. Our miss is looking for white because all the winners wear white. Paige points out that last year's winner wore yellow. So yellow it is. She tries it on. $1393. Then a white one for $3790. That's the one in the clip. She feels like she's in the Porn Star Awards. Paige says she'd probably win something. Then a $2999 gold one. Finally, for $1790 another white one. I can't remember which one she chose (I think it was the yellow one) but she looked very nice. I think her name is Leah Beth (that's Lee-Ah, not Lee) and her mom is Gaye Beth. Could have been another girl.There was another girl, Kyndall, who also wants to to look 24 or 25. She is 19. She is trying on dresses with mesh and net and all sorts of see-through stuff. Apropos to something, Paige doesn't want to "throw a link in your chain." She picks out a winning dress. Note that isn't a winning girl, it's a winning dress. It costs $3990 and is covered with zillions of white ostrich feathers and not much of anything else. Yup, I think it is a winning dress. It's her crown. Everyone else is vying for first runner up.
My favorite, favorite customer is Addie. Addie is the daughter of Miss Sue. She must be about 4 years old. Paige says that this is like Pee Wee football, the petri dish of pageantry. It's where it all starts. As for Paige, she likes kids, but wants 'em like the National Guard: one weekend a month and two weeks a year. "Addie is looking at princess dresses. She wants to try the yellow one because that's what princesses wear. Paige asks her if she's looking for her prince charming. From inside the dressing room a petulant little voice says no "cause I don't even have no makeup on." Everyone agrees that the blue one is best for her, but she wants mama to buy the pink one. Paige tells Miss Sue that they're going to do the old switcheroo. They'll take both because she's so pretty and then Miss Sue will bring the pink one back.
My favorite, favorite customer is Addie. Addie is the daughter of Miss Sue. She must be about 4 years old. Paige says that this is like Pee Wee football, the petri dish of pageantry. It's where it all starts. As for Paige, she likes kids, but wants 'em like the National Guard: one weekend a month and two weeks a year. "Addie is looking at princess dresses. She wants to try the yellow one because that's what princesses wear. Paige asks her if she's looking for her prince charming. From inside the dressing room a petulant little voice says no "cause I don't even have no makeup on." Everyone agrees that the blue one is best for her, but she wants mama to buy the pink one. Paige tells Miss Sue that they're going to do the old switcheroo. They'll take both because she's so pretty and then Miss Sue will bring the pink one back.
The supporting cast of characters is promising. Mama Joann comes in with some clothes for alterations. 38 pieces of leopard print. She doesn't want Paige to touch them 'cause she'd steal him. At the end of the show, Paige gives them back to Joann, except for one, she winks. She brought them in just to get on my nerves. I like Paige. She tells her girls let's see it little mama and come on sister. I guess that's Tennessee for you go girl. Paige Burcham Carlton had 1111 friends on Facebook just after the show started. I don't think that includes fans. Not yet, anyhow.
This is what I imagine I would wear to go out with my almost-real imaginary boyfriend if I were 30 years younger. Isn't it sublime?
Now that I had the wardrobe under control, I needed to know more about those Tennessee pageant preliminaries. Miss Spirit of the South and Miss Voice of Tennessee Cash Pageant are put on by Spirit of the South Pageants. Each cotestant [sic] is required to sponsor tickets to provide to their family and friends so they can come support you. But there is NO APPLICATION FEE or CONTESTANT ENTRY FEE require. Awesome. I thought I'd have to pay to compete. Here are some of the rules.
Joann's sells Hollywood Fashion Tape. I think that's what you stick on your really low cut dress so that you don't fall out of it. Like Jennifer Lopez. Also holds your swimsuit bottom in place. No extra cheek for those preliminaries. They also sell Winnweartheir site. Winnwear is the Official Swimwear of Miss America. The colors have been tested to withstand stage and television lighting. They are used at Sea World, too. Joann's also sells Miss Oops! accessories. I wondered what Miss Oops! is. Checked out the site. They make Boob Tubes. You can imagine my thoughts on this. The new and improved blow up doll? Actually, Boob Tubes are things like our tube tops in the '70s were, but in more tasteful colors and without the slouching we had to do so we wouldn't get busted for showing our bellies. They are used under low cut tops so that you don't look like you are going to the Porn Star Awards. Of similar use are Miss Oops Show Stoppers: These reusable silicone nipple covers are the perfect weapon to prevent "perk out." Miss Oops Show Stoppers...show's over! Show Stoppers is a registered trademark. Miss Oops asks, "feeling down? Here's something to perk you up!" Chicken cutlets. These are silicone doodads that make your boobs look bigger. Push up bra on steroids. For those of you who didn't know what you get from the Piggly Wiggly is different from what you put in your bra, you do now. And for those of us over 30, there are Jaks.
Jaks is an absolute must for women who are not willing to give up their low-rise jeans and partake in "mom jeans." Jaks is worn over jeans and under tops- must like a shirt extender. It appears to be a lace camisole layered underneath your shirt- but actually, Jaks is the latest fashion weapon used to cover up butt-crack and muffin tops. Bend over and sit down ladies - Jaks has you covered!"
I say burn your Jaks! Burn your Spanx! Go to the gym, you lazy moms! Ron the Hun may have an opening. But you'll still be 51.
Now that I had the wardrobe under control, I needed to know more about those Tennessee pageant preliminaries. Miss Spirit of the South and Miss Voice of Tennessee Cash Pageant are put on by Spirit of the South Pageants. Each cotestant [sic] is required to sponsor tickets to provide to their family and friends so they can come support you. But there is NO APPLICATION FEE or CONTESTANT ENTRY FEE require. Awesome. I thought I'd have to pay to compete. Here are some of the rules.- Prove your age (wouldn't want any of those pesky 19 year-olds compete in the Teen pageant, now would we? and heaven forbid we 51 year-olds enter under false pretenses, I know I can pass)
- Must be single, never married, nor given birth to a child, and must be born female (damn, those girls on RuPaul's Drag Race would mop the stage with you)
- Must not have been convicted of a felony (you're out, Winona)
- May be from any state (wow, Miss Tennessee Spirit can be from Pennsylvania)
- If you win you can't get married or pregnant, or you have to return the prizes
- Contestant must never have, nor will she during her reign, pose for any photography, video, or film associated with any nudity or pornography. She will not post inappropriate photos on My Space, Facebook, Twitter, Blogs, or Message boards. Nor has she ever or is presently involved in any form of employment which involves partial or complete nudity. (now they tell me- hey, who can compete in this pageant anyway?)
- Cash prize can be used for scholarship or entry fee for another pageant (need to pay for the next $2000 gown)
There are four phases of competition and NO PRIVATE INTERVIEW OR TALENT REQUIRED. You'll understand that in a moment. In the meantime, here is what they look for in each category:
- FASHION WEAR: Your fashion wear should be high fashion. It should reflect your personality, creativity, and individuality. You may choose your own outfit and props are allowed. This is something you would wear to look and feel your best in. Each contestant is evaluated on overall impression, flare, energy, charisma, personal creativity, and individuality. (I think this is the part where they carry umbrellas or suitcases or toy dogs)
- SWIMSUIT: You may choose a swimsuit of your choice or color (1 or 2 piece). Please make sure your swimsuit is tasteful (NO THONGS). Each contest is evaluated on overall impression, physical fitness, and stage presence. (Sounds like Winnwear to me)
- EVENING GOWN: You may choose an evening gown of your choice (as long as it costs more than $2000). Each contestant is evaluated on overall first impression, grace, poise, stage presence, and the confidence with which she carries herself.
- ONSTAGE QUESTION: The TOP 10 Finalist will each have a final on-stage question. Each Finalist is evaluated on confidence with answer provided, the expression of answer provided, and the knowledge of question being asked. Can she think fast on her feet?
Thanks to Ron the Hun, I am extraordinarily incapacitated, at least as far as getting up and sitting down in any reasonable amount of time goes. He has decided I need to come in an extra session a week. Back to exercising 'til I puke (really). Too bad that after all that work I'm still 51. I was hoping for 33, making my almost-real imaginary boyfriend more appropriate. Anyhow, I have committed to myself that I'll get out of my cozy house and actually do things on occasion. Okay, on more than one occasion. So I keep a pad of paper that is my master list of stuff to do and the dates they're on. I cut the details out of the newspaper, and slip them under the top page of my pad. I had several to do this weekend, but I missed one, and the other is in Ohio which is just fine with Woody, but at the moment Woody won't and I don't want to just go in my pickup. So all that's left is the Interweave Bead Fest with 110 vendors. I thought I would go and see exactly why people bead. This is a three day event with instructional sessions and a bunch of other things. I don't get it. But a lot of people do. All the statistics I can find group beads with jewelry making, but that whole shebang is worth about 2.3 billion dollars in sales (2010). If you pay $5 for a bead (I'm taking a wild guess at that), then that's a whole heck of a lot of beads. 14.7 million households engage in this stuff. And don't get me started on Pandora beads, you know the ones that you pay $50 a pop for to put on your niece's bracelet, like charm bracelets were to us.So I headed down the road and realized I really needed to go check for double plate silver for my step-mother. She turned 70 in February and I didn't get her anything because she sent an email out to everyone that we should do "whenever" gifts so she won't lose what she had bought. This happened after they missed my son's eighteenth birthday, mine by over a month (when I brought it up in some sort of other conversation), and my sister's by who knows how much (she's not speaking to me at the moment). I have a feeling she didn't like it when I just sent a card. So. She sent an email blast that she is looking for a mismatched set of plate for her redundant home. I thought it would be fun to collect the stuff but I really had a hard time because all the action is in sterling because it's all being melted down due to the price of silver. Last weekend, BFF and I went to the can't fail, sells everything places in Adamstown PA. She needed to find a chest of drawers that had to be 33" wide, max, and that is very hard to find indeed. Found a great one at a great price and had the truck to take it home. Too bad it was 1 inch too big. She knew where the silver guy was in the warren of booths but he had gone home with an impacted tooth. Couldn't find the schnitzel either. Had weisswurst and sauerkraut with brown bread at the brewery.
Anyway, given that the little antique mall in the town a few (okay more than a few) towns from me is on the way to the Bead Thing, I figured I'd stop and see if the silver guy that I had gotten a tip about didn't have an impacted tooth. Truth be told, I didn't really feel like going to the Bead Thing. Stopped at antique mall. Big sign "Barbeque Chicken Today". I looove these amateur deals that happen on the weekend, usually put on by the Lions or something. I also like pancake breakfasts at fire stations. It was a good omen. Walked in. Twenty feet ahead was Ali Baba's silver vault! I asked about the plate. You mean bits and pieces? I did. There were drawers and drawers and drawers of every kind of flatware you can imagine, arranged by age. The range of patterns is incredible. I didn't know what to pile my picks in, so the lady gave me a nice big tray. This is Rosie. I found oyster forks. I found ice tea spoons. Butter spreaders. Fish knives. Grapefruit (I think) knives. Those goofy perforated spoon cages for loose tea. Salt spoons. And of course plain old knives, forks, teaspoons and soup spoons (both broth and cream). I selected about 50 pounds (I think that's pretty close because a box of paper about the size of my pile weighs 35 pounds) of stuff including serving pieces. Bought the tray too. I had become rather fond of it. My step-mother puts her silver in the dishwasher. Um, dishwasher detergent is full of abrasives (used to be sand). That's how it gets the gunk off your dishes. Every time she washes her silver another half gram goes down the drain. I told her that I didn't think that was a very good idea. The next time I saw her she proudly chirped that now all her friends put their silver in the dishwasher. Note to self: figure out how to install reclamation devices so I can sell the orphaned silver.
Went to find chicken. Amish! Amish food is yummy. I bought a "dinner" consisting of a leg of chicken, chips, an oatmeal whoopie pie and a Diet Pepsi. The little sister was in charge of putting it in a bag. She looked like Lila Rae in a black dress. I would have loved to have a picture, but it is against the Amish beliefs (pride in oneself over God). Best chicken (non-fried category) I ever had. I ate it in my truck in the parking lot. The whoopie pie was in a festive scrap of purple saran wrap. Just like two wonderful oatmeal cookies with frosting in between. I'm not sure what's in the frosting to keep it together, but I would otherwise guess it is 99 percent confectioners sugar.
Went to check out the other five antique places within half a mile. No chest of drawers. Took pictures of two possibles but now that I look at them again, I don't think they are even a good stand in. Picked through lots of junk. A case of old tools on the third floor of a messy house. Scissors! Great big honkin' scissors! Be still my heart. The hitched a ride home with me. Five o'clock. Well, at least there is Bead Fest Philadelphia in August. That one has 160 vendors. God bless my imaginary boyfriend for not sending me to rehab for my scissors addiction.
So went the caption on a picture from the semiannual community publication two towns over. Now you understand the kind of place I live in. The new trash cans mark the culmination of a $1.5 million streetscaping project. Believe me, I'm all for nice streets but we have a heck of a lot of nice farmland around and it doesn't need $1.5 million of beautification. I'm guessing this is another "shovel ready" project for the federal incentives. At the end of last year, Pennsylvania hadn't used up its money so it funded lots of projects That Can Be Done Right Now. But I would be guessing wrong. The community and county coughed up the dough for, among other things, new parking meters. The stimulus money went to other non-essential projects like the renovation of my stream. $235,000 to be exact. I now have a marsh where my stream used to be but at least I won't be losing my big trees or my neighbor's horses to rogue flow.
I tried to find the photo of the trash cans, benches and planters from the newsprint magazine to show what they look like. The last online publications were from 2010. So I googled images. Low and behold, an article about the controversy over new park benches. It wasn't in the proper town, though. In 2001, the following was written in The Baltimore Sun:
OXFORD -- A squabble over park benches placed near the elegant homes that line the banks of the Tred Avon River has turned nasty in one of the Eastern Shore's oldest and prettiest towns.Some waterfront property owners are hopping mad about losing their privacy in what they say is a power play by Oxford's three-member commission. But town leaders dismiss the complaints as little more than elitist whining, a case of not-in-my-back-yard sniping from nouveaux Oxfordians who have little regard for the Colonial-era port's traditions
...At issue are 16 park benches town officials ordered this summer, most of them installed at the unpaved sections of streets that end at the river or along Town Creek...
Both sides seem eager to settle the matter before a judge in the county courthouse a few miles up the road in Easton
...
A caption in Wednesday's Maryland section incorrectly described a park bench in Oxford as one that has caused controversy in the Eastern Shore town. The bench in the photograph is not one of those in dispute. The Sun regrets the error.
Really want to see those park benches. It got me wondering. Are benches inherently controversial? Googled. Controversies galore.
Macon, GA:
The dust has settled and the sun is setting on the controversy surrounding the removal of benches in front of the Dempsey Apartments in downtown Macon.
The benches were removed by the mayor’s office at the request of the property manager for Barkan Management Co., the owner of the Dempsey, because of concerns that the benches invited drug dealers and vagrants to hang out there. After community activists rallied around the Dempsey’s elderly residents, local politicians took up the cause and demanded the return of the benches.
This week, the Urban Development Authority — which installed the benches with a streetscape project — reinstalled the benches on the corner of Third and Cherry streets. This time, the benches were placed to create more room for handicapped parking and the 10-minute parking spaces in the front of the Dempsey where residents are most likely to wait for a ride.
And there's more: Santa Barbara Bench Removal Proposal Fuels Controversy on State Street.
In Spokane:
And don't get me started on trash cans.
I just had to put up some pictures of Russ as he has made my 90 year-old dad very happy by talking to him this weekend. Luv 'ya, Russ. I know, stop bitchin' and go fishin'.
Russell has a website called Dangerous Deckhands, The Men Behind The Work. So far as I can tell he is the only men. The store part doesn't work. Russ, fix this thing. I would buy stuff.On a whole other Deadliest Catch note, Discovery Channel ran a spoof contest once. Here's my absolute favorite one. The new season starts April 12. This is the Super Bowl of Discovery programs. I already have my chips and dip ready. Just a little, tiny bit obsessive.
If you never watch it (why not?), here is the real thing for reference.
My dear Woody can be a pain in the neck what with all the fits and starts and bad water pumps, but I love him nonetheless. Yesterday, Woody wouldn't and I really want to get to the Pennsylvania Maple Festival on Friday. Today I am replacing the points. Put in an enormous amount of oil (was full at last gas stop and doesn't seem to be leaking anywhere, go figure) and some extra gas just in case. The latter was an adventure as I took the gas can that had the spare gas in it before the naughty neighborhood boys needed it (remember, it is a long way to a gas station which is a problem if you can't get the 5 bucks together to keep your brother's old truck from running on fumes) and filled it on the way home from Lowes (three towns over) where I was trying to find a brick-sized backup battery for fiber optic service to my house. Apparently the batteries do not exist. Was worried a bit that the can would slide around in my truck bed a little which could be a big problem because said teenagers broke the cap so it really isn't securely on. Checked gas can half a mile down the road. Truck bed full of fuel. Just waiting for some semi to ram me from behind and take me down in a spectacular inferno. Put cap back on (sorta) and went back to Lowes for replacement can. Still had to get open gas can home. Drove very slowly and tried not to inhale too much. Fingers burning from dealing with the cap.
Putting fluids in Woody is a circus act. The oil fill is way back toward the dash, and the two carburetor rods are on either side of it. I tried my fancy funnel with the flexible neck that the judge in Tunica, Mississippi suggested but the tank opening tilts in such a way that I couldn't keep it balanced. My arms aren't the longest so I have to fill the thing like a fancy waiter does -- from about six inches away. In the dark. Gurgled some on the block. Oh well. I will now know where the smoke is coming from. I suppose I could have wiped it down, but I'd have to crawl onto the top of the fenders and put my face on top of the carb. Gas is usually a piece of cake. The fill is about 4 inches inside the flap thing, unlike in modern cars, but I can angle the pump in there only chipping the paint some of the time. But this time I have a can. Tried the funnel. Angles out a bit over 45 degrees so have to pour very, very slowly from the ragged cap. Problem is, the can is five gallons. Five gallons of gas is heavy, especially when you have to pour it with one hand while the other one is steadying the funnel. Glad I have been beaten into muscular glory by Ron the Hun twice a week. Almost done when mail comes. Mail lady leaves it on my kitchen counter because neither one of us wants to deal with the errant gasoline. Went back to finish but decided Woody has enough. Left gas can in front of barn and wondered which recycling area I should use at the dump. I know there is one for used motor oil. There? There is also one exclusively for cell phones. Decided to leave can in rain. Deal with it some other time like the stuff I brought back from my road trip that still hasn't made it into the laundry. It's like when you move and if you don't unpack all the boxes in the beginning they become time capsules. You never miss the stuff. Maybe I should repack all my belongings and pretend I am moving and then just leave it all in the barn until the mice get at it. I will have a very clean house. Too bad my imaginary boyfriend isn't very good with manual labor. He would know just what to do with the gas. He probably wouldn't do the laundry, though.
In my part of the world we have Zitner's eggs, cream, cocoanut (Zitmer's traditional spelling), marshmallow, peanut butter and Butter Krak. There is now Double Cocoanut. I just had one, and I think the only difference between it and the regular cocoanut is some crunchy stuff I'm guessing is cocoanut. You can only get Zitner's eggs for two weeks at Easter. I think the place closes down the rest of the year, but I'm not sure. I read someplace that Zitner's has this amazing rush of production, much like the red rose business at Valentine's Day. 65% of Zitner's sales are of cream eggs and and basically all sales are made within two hours driving distance from Philadelphia. They make 7 million cream eggs each year. That's a lot of Easter eggs. Lore says a woman was actually buried with Zitomer's eggs in her casket. Now what, may you ask, is Krak? Krak has a buttercream and coconut center covered in toasted coconut and dark chocolate. My CVS is already out of them. I closed my eyes and checked on Lance Armstrong's I'm-fit-and-you're-not site for nutritional information. Zitner's eggs have between 140 and 170 calories. That's, like, two or three Tootsie Pops and we already know that you can have 47 Tootsie Pops a day as part of a healthful diet. So, I can eat about 15 Zitner's eggs a day to be healthy and fit. Works for me. I just had my first three while I was standing in line for a prescription. I had to give the pharmacist the empty wrappers to scan. I suppose they aren't covered under my health insurance, but it never hurts to try. 
Zitner's only "official" internet outlet is pageneralstore.com, but Amazon and a whole bunch of others sell them. Zitner's web site is one page. That's all they need. Do not under any circumstances buy Asher's eggs. Asher's is also in Philadelphia and they make those gigantic eggs that your grandmother ends up eating, but they have no K's.
Philadelphia has a penchant for all things K. In addition to Krak, we have Tastykakes.
Even though they have $300 million in annual sales, Tastykakes is going bankrupt (Daily News headline: Kan Tasty Kake be Saved? Yuk-yuk). No one is helping except the loyal consumers of Butterscotch Krimpets and Kandy Kakes (see, the K again). Tastykake has a Career Opportunities section on its website.There are 23 jobs available. If I were Tastykake, I wouldn't be filling those jobs. Pisses the banks off. That's what Tastykake gets for its LEED certified building in the revitalized Navy Yard with all those incentives. Shoulda stayed where they were, like Zitmer's. Also, they are paying for the baseball stadium to put refrigerators on the concession counters so that the Kakes don't melt. There's gotta be some kind of additive they can put in there so that they don't need to ice 'em down. For a coupla years I lived a half block from the Eastern State Penetentiary. This is where Al Capone escaped. I think the idea of penance is pretty cool. Inmates were all in solitary with a bible and a round window on their ceilings that was called the eye of god. Basically, criminals were being put in a time out to think about what they did. You didn't know that you were training your kid for crime, did you? Anyhow, there is a well-known retsauranteuress (is that a word?) who let's them eat Tasty Kakes on Bastille Day. Here is the event.
Kool.
Why are we all not getting laid enough? On Sunday mornings, I like to read Lisa Scottoline's column in the Philadelphia Inquirer. She writes lots of books but I haven't read any. I just think she's a riot. I suppose she isn't very funny in her books because they are those thrillers that are called things like Devil's Corner, Moment of Truth, Everywhere Mary Went, Think Twice and Save Me. Well Ms. Scottoline, I think I can save you.
Her column this week involved apps. One of them wakes you up when you are moving most. You put your laptop between the mattress and boxspring. Problem is, she has a bunch of pets and it measures them moving around. "But enough about the movement in my bed. In fact, there's not enough movement in my bed, of late. Think there's an app for that?"
Her column this week involved apps. One of them wakes you up when you are moving most. You put your laptop between the mattress and boxspring. Problem is, she has a bunch of pets and it measures them moving around. "But enough about the movement in my bed. In fact, there's not enough movement in my bed, of late. Think there's an app for that?"
Why yes there is. Have you ever seen how many vibrating apps there are? I was seriously scarred for life when I saw two of them on my 70 year-old step mother's iPad. It seems that iPads don't vibrate under any circumstances so people who by them for that method of delivery will be disappointed. Also doesn't work on iTouch (a bit ironic, that touch thing). That makes me feel better unless of course it was just synching with her phone. iPhone users are delighted.
You get no results when you search for vibrate in the AppStore application. You get lots when you go to iTunes. I have discovered 35 apps that vibrate, excluding the ones for games (although maybe those count). They are listed under Health & Fitness (13), Entertainment (6), Lifestyle (6), Medical (1), and Utilities (7). Remote Masseuse is the one listed under Medical. Hmmm. Wonder which is the most appropriate. All of the above? In the same search, I ran into Sweet Feet which is pictures for foot fetishists and Door Stop which lets you play with that springy thing that keeps your door from hitting the wall.
You can pretty much tell who buys what by not only the reviews but the other apps they buy.
You can pretty much tell who buys what by not only the reviews but the other apps they buy.
Allinson - Vibrate Other apps: Google Search I suppose you have to do a search to figure out what/who Allinson is (Wikipedia says a brand of flour) |
| Body Massage Stress Relief Other apps: Fish Fingers! Fireworks Toy Harried mother of toddler |
| Body Massager It works But will it get the job done? That's up to you! Other apps: Convert-O-Matic, Bocce Calc, Erasmos Clock Snarky physics major |
| Cherry Blossom Massage If this were downloaded from the web, I'd think it was a virus if u want an app to drain your battery this is the app to do it!!!! Other apps: Item Shelf, Off Remote, Epicurious, Amazon Mobile Lawyer and neglected wife in McMansion |
| Finger Tingles It only lasts 30 seconds what r gonna do wit that? My phone just became my new best friend! Omg..My butt is still sore Other apps: AbbStore, Calorie Counter, Lifesaver An equal opportunity app |
| Hot Massage nobody gives a fuck |
| iBrate Me Probably better off buying the real thing Other apps: MAC Address, Get It! Not sure if real thing is a vibrator or a hooker |
| iBrate Vibrate dude i use it on my kitten and it fell asleep real fast amazing Other apps: Glee Karaoke, Mini Touch Golf Cat lady of the future |
| iBrater Oh ya…feels good on my junk too I love it mostly between my legs but up the butt is good I'm a lesbian so its all good Other apps: Justin Bieber Fun Facts Preteens "experimenting" |
| iBuzzYou No one gives a fuck about this one either |
| iMassageMe It's a massager. Not a vibrator… Other apps: Lexicomp Medical, Turkish Koran Clueless foreign med student |
| iMassager |
| iMassageU iTingles Nobody gives a... |
| IQ Vibrate Other apps: Draw & Stamp Lite, iBanner! Cheerleader who thinks she'll do super! on her PSATs |
| IVibrate it has a vibrating person on the screen Other apps: Off Remote, Zillow Tired real estate agent working in Florida, Las Vegas or Arizona |
| iVibrateMe Got the party started! This is Awesome !!!! Even my girlfriend get ORGASM while using this vibrator.!! This is an amazing application. I totally love it. My girlfriend uses my phone more than I do :) Any time any place! Forget F Street ladies!!! This is all ya need now! Even nice girls love it and it really works! Great for those Boring commutes or when the kids finally get off to school @ you get some time to yourself... Other apps: Gilt, JCPenney Weekly Deals Cougar and servicer |
| iVibro Pro Other apps: Dictionnaire, Delivery Status Heartsick American with French Pen Pal |
| Massage Me Kinda like my ex Other apps: Calorie Counter Wannabe cougar |
| Massage Relax Touch not strong enough for THAT area…for me anyway… |
| MossBuzz Other apps: Lifesaver Submit, Eye Chart |
| My vibrate Other apps: FirePlace, Spawn, Ghost Radar |
| Mybrater No one... |
| myMassage this little gem really helps put the spark back into my long stressful days. When I need to mix it up I really like that you can shake the phone for a different beat. I also like that this icon is a bit more discrete on my screen than some of the others. I would have gotten a bigger tickle by tossing a buck out of a speeding car! Other apps: Paintbook, SkyWriter, Draw It! Pocket Massager Pro Simple, clean and it works Other apps: Eye Chart, Calorie Counter Probably me- it's a hygiene thing |
| Remote Masseuse (I can't understand a single thing written about it - must be in math) Other apps: Lifesaver, Eye Chart Myopic math club president |
| Seismic Vibrations Other apps: Ghost Radar, iSpy Cameras, Spawn |
| Sports Massager No one has a clue what this does |
| UltraVib I've seduced many beautiful women with this app. However, it resulted in my iPhone becoming "water damaged" Guy with small dick |
Vibrating Massager Gives me soooo much pleasure. I don't need my husband anymore. My grandma love it !!! Water Scape, Lexicomp, Koran Vibrating Massager (99 cent version) my girlfriend loves it-can you make a scarecrow version Other apps: turkish koran and Eye Chart Pro Naughty optometrist playing dress up So, Lisa (we are on a first name basis now that we are discussing matters of the nether lands), shall we compare notes? After all, my imaginary boyfriend has a bit of a, uh, problem in this area. Massage Me sounds like a good choice for you because of Thing Two. You know who I mean. [Sorry for the weird formatting. I can't figure out how to fix it and I'm too tired to learn.] |
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)