10:36 PM |
On Thursday night, I discovered Glamour Belles on TV. After The Deadliest Catch and Toddlers and Tiaras, I think this is my new favorite reality show. Here is the trailer.
That's Paige, Joann's daughter, behind the tramp. Joann of Joann's Gowns, that is. "The destination dress shop in the South." In Union City TN! Note to self: find out how far away Union City is from Sewanee.
Paige is the show, in that Mae West fill-the-room kind of way. They showed two half-hour episodes back to back. I was in a trance watching the first one, but by the second one I was really paying attention. Somewhere in the opening sequence Paige tells one of her customers in a revealing dress that "I'm afraid I might see your cookie." Add cookie to woo-woo and ding-a-ling euphamisms.
There were a few customers that tickled me more than others. The first is one of those 8-ish year old pageant girls who is too old for cupcake dresses. Mom and Grandmom came in with a gold and white dress in a plastic bag. Grandmom tried to alter it, and they have the preliminary to Miss Strawberry Festival that evening. New dress for her. I bet Grandmom paid. I checked out the festival. More than 40,000 people attend. Among other things, they have a checker tournament, Christian concert, BBQ cooking contest, parades, recipe contest and a tractor show (!). The pageant is really Little Miss Territorial Revue. It's in Humboldt TN. In May. Nuts.
Then there was the girl going to the Miss Tennessee preliminary (they're really big on preliminaries here at Joann's). The contestant said "I need Paige to find me a dress that makes me look more mature, in a classy way." Paige says "We're not competin' in teen, were in the majors now." Our girl needs to look like a woman. That's her in the video above. She trusts the proprietress because "Paige just herself has really good style." Paige looks like an olive on toothpick legs. She wears black and a blond ponytail. Come to think of it, they make the salespeople at Neiman's wear black so I guess that's okay. Our miss is looking for white because all the winners wear white. Paige points out that last year's winner wore yellow. So yellow it is. She tries it on. $1393. Then a white one for $3790. That's the one in the clip. She feels like she's in the Porn Star Awards. Paige says she'd probably win something. Then a $2999 gold one. Finally, for $1790 another white one. I can't remember which one she chose (I think it was the yellow one) but she looked very nice. I think her name is Leah Beth (that's Lee-Ah, not Lee) and her mom is Gaye Beth. Could have been another girl.There was another girl, Kyndall, who also wants to to look 24 or 25. She is 19. She is trying on dresses with mesh and net and all sorts of see-through stuff. Apropos to something, Paige doesn't want to "throw a link in your chain." She picks out a winning dress. Note that isn't a winning girl, it's a winning dress. It costs $3990 and is covered with zillions of white ostrich feathers and not much of anything else. Yup, I think it is a winning dress. It's her crown. Everyone else is vying for first runner up.
My favorite, favorite customer is Addie. Addie is the daughter of Miss Sue. She must be about 4 years old. Paige says that this is like Pee Wee football, the petri dish of pageantry. It's where it all starts. As for Paige, she likes kids, but wants 'em like the National Guard: one weekend a month and two weeks a year. "Addie is looking at princess dresses. She wants to try the yellow one because that's what princesses wear. Paige asks her if she's looking for her prince charming. From inside the dressing room a petulant little voice says no "cause I don't even have no makeup on." Everyone agrees that the blue one is best for her, but she wants mama to buy the pink one. Paige tells Miss Sue that they're going to do the old switcheroo. They'll take both because she's so pretty and then Miss Sue will bring the pink one back.
My favorite, favorite customer is Addie. Addie is the daughter of Miss Sue. She must be about 4 years old. Paige says that this is like Pee Wee football, the petri dish of pageantry. It's where it all starts. As for Paige, she likes kids, but wants 'em like the National Guard: one weekend a month and two weeks a year. "Addie is looking at princess dresses. She wants to try the yellow one because that's what princesses wear. Paige asks her if she's looking for her prince charming. From inside the dressing room a petulant little voice says no "cause I don't even have no makeup on." Everyone agrees that the blue one is best for her, but she wants mama to buy the pink one. Paige tells Miss Sue that they're going to do the old switcheroo. They'll take both because she's so pretty and then Miss Sue will bring the pink one back.
The supporting cast of characters is promising. Mama Joann comes in with some clothes for alterations. 38 pieces of leopard print. She doesn't want Paige to touch them 'cause she'd steal him. At the end of the show, Paige gives them back to Joann, except for one, she winks. She brought them in just to get on my nerves. I like Paige. She tells her girls let's see it little mama and come on sister. I guess that's Tennessee for you go girl. Paige Burcham Carlton had 1111 friends on Facebook just after the show started. I don't think that includes fans. Not yet, anyhow.
This is what I imagine I would wear to go out with my almost-real imaginary boyfriend if I were 30 years younger. Isn't it sublime?
Now that I had the wardrobe under control, I needed to know more about those Tennessee pageant preliminaries. Miss Spirit of the South and Miss Voice of Tennessee Cash Pageant are put on by Spirit of the South Pageants. Each cotestant [sic] is required to sponsor tickets to provide to their family and friends so they can come support you. But there is NO APPLICATION FEE or CONTESTANT ENTRY FEE require. Awesome. I thought I'd have to pay to compete. Here are some of the rules.
Joann's sells Hollywood Fashion Tape. I think that's what you stick on your really low cut dress so that you don't fall out of it. Like Jennifer Lopez. Also holds your swimsuit bottom in place. No extra cheek for those preliminaries. They also sell Winnweartheir site. Winnwear is the Official Swimwear of Miss America. The colors have been tested to withstand stage and television lighting. They are used at Sea World, too. Joann's also sells Miss Oops! accessories. I wondered what Miss Oops! is. Checked out the site. They make Boob Tubes. You can imagine my thoughts on this. The new and improved blow up doll? Actually, Boob Tubes are things like our tube tops in the '70s were, but in more tasteful colors and without the slouching we had to do so we wouldn't get busted for showing our bellies. They are used under low cut tops so that you don't look like you are going to the Porn Star Awards. Of similar use are Miss Oops Show Stoppers: These reusable silicone nipple covers are the perfect weapon to prevent "perk out." Miss Oops Show Stoppers...show's over! Show Stoppers is a registered trademark. Miss Oops asks, "feeling down? Here's something to perk you up!" Chicken cutlets. These are silicone doodads that make your boobs look bigger. Push up bra on steroids. For those of you who didn't know what you get from the Piggly Wiggly is different from what you put in your bra, you do now. And for those of us over 30, there are Jaks.
Jaks is an absolute must for women who are not willing to give up their low-rise jeans and partake in "mom jeans." Jaks is worn over jeans and under tops- must like a shirt extender. It appears to be a lace camisole layered underneath your shirt- but actually, Jaks is the latest fashion weapon used to cover up butt-crack and muffin tops. Bend over and sit down ladies - Jaks has you covered!"
I say burn your Jaks! Burn your Spanx! Go to the gym, you lazy moms! Ron the Hun may have an opening. But you'll still be 51.
Now that I had the wardrobe under control, I needed to know more about those Tennessee pageant preliminaries. Miss Spirit of the South and Miss Voice of Tennessee Cash Pageant are put on by Spirit of the South Pageants. Each cotestant [sic] is required to sponsor tickets to provide to their family and friends so they can come support you. But there is NO APPLICATION FEE or CONTESTANT ENTRY FEE require. Awesome. I thought I'd have to pay to compete. Here are some of the rules.- Prove your age (wouldn't want any of those pesky 19 year-olds compete in the Teen pageant, now would we? and heaven forbid we 51 year-olds enter under false pretenses, I know I can pass)
- Must be single, never married, nor given birth to a child, and must be born female (damn, those girls on RuPaul's Drag Race would mop the stage with you)
- Must not have been convicted of a felony (you're out, Winona)
- May be from any state (wow, Miss Tennessee Spirit can be from Pennsylvania)
- If you win you can't get married or pregnant, or you have to return the prizes
- Contestant must never have, nor will she during her reign, pose for any photography, video, or film associated with any nudity or pornography. She will not post inappropriate photos on My Space, Facebook, Twitter, Blogs, or Message boards. Nor has she ever or is presently involved in any form of employment which involves partial or complete nudity. (now they tell me- hey, who can compete in this pageant anyway?)
- Cash prize can be used for scholarship or entry fee for another pageant (need to pay for the next $2000 gown)
There are four phases of competition and NO PRIVATE INTERVIEW OR TALENT REQUIRED. You'll understand that in a moment. In the meantime, here is what they look for in each category:
- FASHION WEAR: Your fashion wear should be high fashion. It should reflect your personality, creativity, and individuality. You may choose your own outfit and props are allowed. This is something you would wear to look and feel your best in. Each contestant is evaluated on overall impression, flare, energy, charisma, personal creativity, and individuality. (I think this is the part where they carry umbrellas or suitcases or toy dogs)
- SWIMSUIT: You may choose a swimsuit of your choice or color (1 or 2 piece). Please make sure your swimsuit is tasteful (NO THONGS). Each contest is evaluated on overall impression, physical fitness, and stage presence. (Sounds like Winnwear to me)
- EVENING GOWN: You may choose an evening gown of your choice (as long as it costs more than $2000). Each contestant is evaluated on overall first impression, grace, poise, stage presence, and the confidence with which she carries herself.
- ONSTAGE QUESTION: The TOP 10 Finalist will each have a final on-stage question. Each Finalist is evaluated on confidence with answer provided, the expression of answer provided, and the knowledge of question being asked. Can she think fast on her feet?