Woody & My IBF

Went to very dirty bathroom which cracked me up because instead of the Employees Must Wash Hands sign, there was a list of fifteen steps to washing up, including the 100 degrees or warmer water temperature. This is what the door looked like from the inside. Must have been those employees so frustrated with the water temperature that they punched the door in. Passed awesome barn mural espousing the virtues of farming. Nowhere to pull over for pic.

Back on highway. Farm equipment megamart! Tractor on crane about 50 feet high. Schoolhouse Road. Toll House Road. Remember Toll House cookies? The recipe was on the back of the yellow chocolate chip bag and called for about a pound of butter. The cookies were flat and crispy and had bumps of chocolate sticking up. You had to put them on brown paper bags after they came out of the oven so that all the extra melted butter was sopped up so that the cookies were still crispy. Sometime in the last 30 years, cookies got fat and chewy. I miss real cookies. Unsure of direction and had to pee. GPS voting for turnpike with toll. Map is not. Stopped at Wendy's. Got great directions from old guys in minivan. Sign for Water Fill 11 mi. I'm not sure what a water fill is. For camels?

Back on the road. Saw one of those giant LED signs that tells you that it is going to be at least half an hour longer than you expected to get there because there is construction (consisting of one guy working, one guy supervising, one guy on break and lots of idle equipment leaking tar). Think I will be smart and take the suggested alternate exit. A billion traffic lights and I'm still  not sure that I'm going the right way.  More traffic lights. Arrow on small blue sign for fairgrounds. Think that is location. Canadiana Motor Hotel. Miss my exit by a thousand miles? Continue with only small amount of uncertainty. Bright orange muscle car with white top ahead of me. Must be right. 2 x 2 sign with red letters: Parking Yes, Camping Yes. Uh-oh. Must be one of those places where you have to pay $10 to park in someone's yard. Decided to get closer to show but in wrong lane. Orange muscle car lets me in. Took random right turn. Found 2 or 3 acre field with $10 entry fee. Decided to keep on searching. Elementary school parking $10. Took entire loop around fairground. Back to big field near Gate 1. I learned that there are 6 gates. Anyhow, paid $10 and told to pick any space in any lane. This one? Any space, any lane. I took the one right at the front, right behind $10 collectors. Put my new sign on windshield.

More signs. Aren't you sick of hot pink? I am. Nothing against the breast cancer people, but I do not like hot pink anymore. Not on cell phones. Not on t-shirts. Not on ball caps. Not on bracelets. I want to start a charity for all the miscellaneous cancers you don't have to wear pink for.






There are also all sorts of stuff made of auto parts. Those are lamps on the right. Touted for Mother's Day. You know, I'd kinda like one of those for Mother's Day.

This is Cliff. Cliff sells books. The one on woodies has mistakes in it. Not his fault. I thought that but was sorta a smart ass to him. Redeeming quality: Farm machinery books. Found original vintage Ford parts store. They have hubcaps and the bakelite window handle that I need but were not very nice. I took the catalog and not pictures. Someone along the way told me I should go to the hot rod show here in Carlisle during the summer. I'd find my hubcaps then.

This is a really big place, as I've said. Hunted for portapotty. This is Milton. He keeps the portapotties very clean and runs the place like a military operation. He tells you which number to go in. There seems to be no line as he is so efficient. Later, inside, I used the regular ladies room. Uronka was likewise diligent. These are good people. Milton is the only one today who shook my hand. And even with my hygiene issue, I was glad. I know that Milton was as germ-free as a surgeon.

Barbecue! Nice big smoker. Blazin' Swine. This is two of Cody, Wayne and Bob. They are not the boss. When I asked them their names, bosses come running out. I think they think I am a journalist or a reviewer or something. Hardly any food left. Had turkey sandwich. No sauce whatsoever. I'm not sure if they were out of it or just didn't have any to start with. Handed me some packets of mayo. I said they must be doing good business. Why? Because you don't have any food left. They sorta looked at each other sideways. I don't think they were doing well at all.



This is Judy. Judy sells aluminum statues. They are aluminum because they don't rust or fall apart like her cement stuff. I asked Judy if she sells a lot. She does. What does she sell the most? Bulls. One guy has a whole yard of them. I guess that's like a gnome fetish. Some other guy has a chicken inside his restaurant. Judy shrugs.

Began slinking around the car corral. 2000 cars for sale. Mostly street rods. This is Gary. He is selling his 2005 BMW 735Li. 12 cylinders. Its sticker price was $127,000. Asking $50,000. Takes two parking spaces, though. I am guessing the market did not do good things for him.

This is Mike. Mike is from Greenville SC and can fix the Woody's radio. I don't want a real restoration, though. I think it should have the original chrome which isn't as shiny and I'm afraid that they might shine it up. Terrified. It would be cool to have a working radio, though, even if it's AM.



This is Mario. I asked Mario if I could take pictures of his birdhouses. Yeah, he said, shrugging his shoulders and looking mean. I don't particularly like the birdhouses (I have a supplier to whom I am addicted like crack), but I love the signs:

For Sale
Foreclosure

For Sale
Bank Owned

Mario sells those cool maps made of license plates. Each state is the right shape and made of the appropriate license plate. I have seen these in catalogs for $2300. I always wanted one. $700, no tax because I paid cash. He will send it to me. But I want Alaska and Hawaii too. He will put them on separate boards. I want to look on a map and see how far away they are, scalewise. Wouldn't it be cool to hang the 48 in the living room and Hawaii someplace like the guest bathroom? I later realize that Mario is really selling the little saw he uses to make these but what the fuck. I have a $700 license plate map.

Here are a gazillion bandanas and do-rags. The proprietor is James. James looks like a mellow out-of-work financial planner. He sells them at events only. It's not all he does.

Look at this Tonka with the little thing you can crank to load gravel into the truck bed. I had one. I think I still do but I'm not sure where. I got it for my birthday one year. Maybe this explains some of the farm machinery stuff.

Feet screaming. Lean against shed and slide feet out, one at a time. Inside of shoe has actually melted onto my pedicure. The shoe is leather. Huh?

See HoverRound with sign clipped on front basket: For Rent On Premises. Aha! This is the way to do it. I then began noticing the ingenuity of people using the scooters. I love these guys. Chased em down to take picture. Old guy with old wife in a sort of wagon and wheelbarrow hybrid. I wonder what happens if they see something they want to take home?




Guy with cool tabletop juke boxes and bubblegum machines packing up. He has been here since Monday (today is Saturday).






This is Sharon. She lived with a guy near me in Lancaster County. Her boyfriend was a vendor at farmers markets of, I think, plumbing. She told me about two markets and can't believe I've never gone. Friday on State Street in Ephrata is the Green Dragon. Tuesdays in Roots which is pronounced Rutts. Roots has been there for over 100 years. I promise I will tell her how I like them and when I walked away realized I would have to do that telepathically as I have no email or phone for her.

Shuffled out Gate 1 toward Woody. Love this license plate. Held breath and hoped Woody was still there. He was. Money takers said they could have sold him two dozen times over. People were making u-turns to see. Good thing I had my sign up. These guys know how to hot wire as well as I do. Fall in and kick shoes off. Woody wouldn't, which was a good thing as I needed a rest. Finally Woody would and I cheerfully tell money takers "6 volt" and shrugged. They nodded knowingly.

Too light out to go to dark hotel room. Decide to go to auction. When I asked for directions, someone told me to go where you can't park. Yup. After several circuits, wished I had stayed at Gate 1. Found fire department raising money. Best parking yet. Gave $20 donation in addition to $10 fee.

Registered as bidder. Was already in data base from fancy auctions. When I went home, realized I also had a VIP tag so that I could eat and drink for free. Woulda been handy. Went to sit down, and guy sorta bumps into me and says you wanta go there? like I could never be buying. This auction is not like the other ones I've been to. The other ones are very civilized with catalogs and faintly British auctioneers. This one has a list of lots. When one comes up that you like, you just go right up to the stage and look at it. The auctioneer is one of those blippidely-blippidely-hundred dollars-blippidely-blippedely guys like at the hay sales. The spotters do that yuuuup that they do on Storage Wars. It seems that most of the sellers are also present, so if the reserve isn't met, they can lower the reserve. This is kinda weird. I have never watched those crazy auctions on the SPEED channel, but I think this is how those work. I don't think any of these bidders expect civilized business. Weird prices. Most for street rods. No sale at very low prices on 'vettes and Maserati. About two really old cars, Pierce Arrow and something else I can't remember but was a one-cylinder from 1905. The Pierce was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. Lots of 1940's coupes and two really cool stationwagons. Just learning prices for this stuff so I pretend bought and then looked them up when I got home. I was pretty good. Woulda bought that impeccably restored slant back. Lots of cars are not selling. Others had $100,000 restorations and went for 20 or 30 thousand. Lots of people need money. Wife wants kids clothed and fuck his damn car. 

This is JB. He works for Passport Transportation. They guys truck cars. Asked about my fire engine. Seems the problem is the weight. Won't make it on lifts. Need to find flatbed. Refers me to other division. Nuts. Won't make Sewanee Fire Chief's party. Overdressed professional guy wants cars trucked. He bought ugly Pierce. I think he was at the wrong auction.

Stumbled out to Woody again. Take shoes off again. Considering driving barefoot, but the gas pedal is round with deep rubber rings on it and my feet would get even more swollen then they are already. Attempted to find highway. Could not. Back on road that I think I came in on and maybe the hotel would be there. Missed the turn by 100 miles again. Got home. No cruise for me. I cannot do any more time at Carlisle. Maybe my first cruise is like losing my virginity. I'll save it for the right guy. Forfeit $159 Best Western hotel room. Not the first time (hello, Huntington WV).