5:54 PM |
Started with a half glass of wine after not hearing from him in twelve hours, and that in a response to my text. Continued into the rest of the bottle as I realized for the first time that I cared, and am in danger of becoming the chaser that I'd not been in so long, and that I am terrified of becoming again. The only thing left in the house is a box of Carr's Table Water crackers and a stick of butter. At least they are cracked pepper. I can't eat another bowl of ice cream, and am also embarrassed that I visit the Turkey Hill up the road on a regular basis for more. Last time I went, driving my beat up pickup, the guy next to me in line kidded that it must be just me and a sad movie. Truer than he knew. Its me watching Hoarders on the DVR, my iPhone on the sofa next to me, and waiting for the schooooop of an incoming message. I was not a drinker before this started. Not at all.
He's so young, and I am appalled at myself. I'm old enough to be a saber-toothed tiger and was not, am not, on the prowl. He found me.
At 33, he is a grown man. I have to remind myself that at his age I was having a baby. I had a business and a house. And a station wagon, my dream, with the flats of pansies in the back, just like my mother had. I felt, no said, that if I could live the life I had forever, I would be the happiest woman in the world. I meant it.
Somehow, though, I think that he's a teenager. It's in my mind, not his. I think of the cellulite on my thighs, fat I never had until I had no hormones. Please, please can I do something about vaginal atrophy. What a thought. Not only am I not using it, but I'm not sure I could if I tried.
He's so young, and I am appalled at myself. I'm old enough to be a saber-toothed tiger and was not, am not, on the prowl. He found me.
At 33, he is a grown man. I have to remind myself that at his age I was having a baby. I had a business and a house. And a station wagon, my dream, with the flats of pansies in the back, just like my mother had. I felt, no said, that if I could live the life I had forever, I would be the happiest woman in the world. I meant it.
Somehow, though, I think that he's a teenager. It's in my mind, not his. I think of the cellulite on my thighs, fat I never had until I had no hormones. Please, please can I do something about vaginal atrophy. What a thought. Not only am I not using it, but I'm not sure I could if I tried.