Woody & My IBF

You know that grilled cheese with the Madonna image on it that fetched something like $50,000 on eBay? Well we are facing a new Madonna in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. I heard on the radio today the we are to have the The Situation Bible. The Situation is a member of 'The Jersey Shore' reality show cat house. I had a hard time understanding how this juiced up self-proclaimed Guido could apply the bible in the, well, situations he gets in. I thought about it some more and concluded that as a good Catholic boy, The Sitch was perhaps providing us with inspirational words before and/or after multiple keg stands or old-fashioned knock-your-teeth-out chick fights. I know that this Jersey Shore paramour is making lots of money on his workouts and diet aids (I think) and his App (top 10!) and has definitely made a very lucrative fool of himself on "Dancing With The Stars". Maybe his agent wanted to soften up his image a little, show us the sweeter side of Mr. Abs.

Meanwhile, our darling Snooki is gracing the cover of Rolling Stone straddling a rocket. Also eating a pickle (not at the same time, but that might be sort of interesting). No subtlety there, but I guess Rolling Stone will be making a lot of samoleons on this one.  Snooki is writing a romance novel called A Shore Thing. Snooki a writer? An oxymoron definitely. And I'm not convinced there's any romance on "The Jersey Shore". Swapping bruises and venereal diseases, sure. But romance? I'm going to lead a protest to keep Fabio off that cover. We all know that it has come to this in the perverse breeding of our reality stars.



But what about the Bible? My ex-mother-in-law, rest her soul, was fond of the devotionals that gave a bit of scripture with a bit of Chicken Soup For The Soul. Perhaps The Situation is going to give us something like this:

Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, and whoever is led astray by it is not wise.
  -- Proverbs 20:1


Drink beer and you will be set right, and wisely led astray.
  -- The Situation

Or how about this for a post-revelry affirmation:

...But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ.
  --Ephesians 2:4-5

It's all good.
  --The Situation

I needed to get a bit more clarity on the subject, so I googled. Oh, shit. The Situation Bible is a sort of lifestyle bible like The Preppy Handbook. Speaking of which, did you know you can get beaucoup bucks for the original 1980s version? I think mine fell in the trunk with my mother's good sweaters that she wore on her honeymoon in Bermuda which we then had to throw out when the sump pump didn't pump our basement. Anyhow, The Examiner clarifies it all. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino describes the book as "The Bible for Situation Nation." Its real name is Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore. And get this is. It is already ranked number 5 on the list of Amazon's top Self-Help and Psychology books. I looked it up. The book is $8.15, down from cover price of $15. You can buy two! The customer reviews alone are worth checking it out on Amazon. "Finally, something worse than cancer," "I'm a 14 year old in the 8th grade and I love it," "I had run out of toilet paper and noticed that someone and left a copy of this wonderful book on the floor."

But wait. According to the Examiner, The Situation reveals his struggles from losing his job to losing his girl. "I rose above a number of issues in my life. I come from a bad situation and instead of sulking, I rose above the problems and made a bad situation an unbelievable fairytale." Hmmm.. sound like someone we know from Bethlehem? Maybe The Situation Bible is not so far fetched after all.